On the Housitting, Dog and Art Front

On the dog front: My land lord wants to meet with me this weekend.  I think it is about the dog.  What else could it be about?  Apparently he can't just tell me over the phone or by email -- which makes me think that (a) He is going to say yes.  They say it is easier to say 'no' by email and (b) He is going to charge something I cannot afford.  They say that it is easier to get someone to agree to spend money in person.  *sigh*

My issue is contemplating what, exactly, I can afford.  I need to get out my budget again.  I hate getting out my budget again.  Oy.

I need to do that today, and decide how I will proceed if I cannot afford it.  I guess I'll move when the lease is up and try to get Fancy Pants then.  

On the housesitting front: In the mean time, I continue to house sit for Scout and Scully.  Scout is doing better.  The pumpkin really seemed to help with the constipation, so I am not so worried about trying to reduce the medications.  I was worried for a while.  Not any more.  Good girl Scouty.

I have done numerous sketches and painted some water colors of both Scout and Scully while I have been here.   

Which brings me to the art front: I ran into EL at DSW the other day.  She is an artist I admire.  We shared studio space for a short time and she was on my thesis committee.  I have been out of touch with her for years. I feel ashamed when I see folks from my Art (note the capital 'A') background.  She told me to stop by her studio some time, which I did this week.  Of course she didn't really mean it, and she wasn't there... but her glass shop has really come into its own. It is is *gorgeous* and I am uber jealous and want to take a glass blowing class there.  I am proud of her for making such an amazing thing out of nothing.  I suspect she hoped I would revamp her logo for her, which I would, if she meant it and were there.  I continue to feel small about my own career path.  I know that nursing is right for me - it *feels* right... but the disappointments that my father feels in me "giving up" art, combined with the "quitter" feelings I have just... when I see someone like that who I admire and like who is making a career of their art?  It makes me feel sad and small and ashamed.  Which is just... dumb.

There is no cure for that except to let it go.  Plus, make stuff.  

Speaking of making stuff.  I need supplies.

I need to replenish some colors in my watercolor kit, need some paper, maybe a new brush or two.  I think I shall compile a list:

• Prussian Blue
  
• Yellow Ochre
  
• A nice orangy-red like Cadmium Red Deep I think (I want to look)
  
• I also need a lighter yellow
  
• A new tube of Sap Green
  
• Red Madder Alizarin (sp.) but I don't know if it is made any more.  I haven't been exactly looking lately, but I haven't been able to find a tube for years.
• Some more watercolor paper.  I especially like the little blocks. They're a handy size and they dry flat. I'd like to get some cold pressed rough textured paper this time too
• More of that origami paper I was using in those collages last year
• Some more tracing paper
• Maybe another brush or two.  My larger brush is starting to lose its point.

I think that today, after I enter data for my professor for an hour or two, I will do my budget and maybe do some art supply shopping -- if I have the money.

Wishing For A Snowy Day

I got snow shoes from Amy and Erin for the holidays!  It made me squeal out loud.  Like a girl.  I am so excited and keep watching the ground waiting for just a little more snow. I work tomorrow, but it is supposed to snow all weekend and I have the weekend off!!

Heeeeere snowflake, snowflake, snowflake!

Mollyday Ponderings

This year I am doing Orphan Christmas with Maria and her bevy of lesbians. I am glad to have Maria back and relieved, that in the end, me taking a break from the friendship was the right thing to do. I think we both get it now. It took a lot of faith and a willingness to lose something. I am rarely willing to risk losing something. I think there is a lesson there for me.

I didn't do gifts this holiday season. I just... couldn't. I found some things in my journeys that were meant for specific folk, but I didn't go Christmas or Hanukkah shopping. I pondered ways to keep my dog. I made delightful pastries -- these pear-filled bite-sized puff pastry concoctions and, what ended up looking like a very 'rustic' version of Ellen's Apple Tart from the Silver Palate. I usually make it in a small skillet but I doubled the recipe and it had a hard time holding its shape. I am sure it will still taste good, but the smaller version is more gorgeous.

I'm house sitting for my friends and their aging bevy of pets. Same friends I stayed with this summer. I have known those guys and the pet menagerie for a long time now, and it makes me pause seeing them so delicate. They are not my pets, but I am their primary house sitter and I enjoy having them in my life.

Walking Away

It is no secret that I am loath to let go of those close to my heart. I'll fight to keep a loved one, even if it hurts; even if it is hard for me; even if it is unhealthy... even if it is personally humiliating. It is a major character flaw, one that I have been working on. Hard. Over the past few years I have been learning, slowly and with a lot of pain and difficulty. It has been a rough learning curve for me -- but I have emerged with some faith in my ability to walk away.

I got a phone call today from the ex.

I should clarify... I have asked for no communication. I don't know for how long... maybe a year, maybe forever. Which she should honor... having asked it of an ex of hers before. But, she doesn't or won't. It doesn't matter.

I also told her I wanted the dog. I hoped she would be gracious about it... she has always said I should take the dog. I should have known better. Again, it doesn't matter.

She wants to know when I will have the dog. She says I am "full of shit" because I said she made it hard for me to see the dog. She yells and blusters. Again, it doesn't matter.

I made a simple request that she ignored. Because the question could not wait. Not even a day. I should not have picked up the phone. I have learned my lesson on that front. I also haven't heard from the landlord yet on the dog front. I called him. I had hoped for a response by yesterday -- He said he'd give it some thought and get back to me in a few days. This is the best answer I can give. She does not like it, but it is all I have.

Maybe he'll say yes -- I hope he will. Maybe he won't. Either way I have faith. I have faith in my ability to set clear boundaries; I have faith in my ability to make to changes in the interactions I will allow. Mostly, I have deep faith in my ability to walk away.

Dog and Education Thoughts

I only have my dog for a short time... so I have been exploring a lot.

See, the thing is I *love* this dog. She teaches me things, we have a good time together and she gets me out exploring the neighborhood. I have a gorgeous park right in my backyard and am too much of a ninny to explore with out a dog by my side. No one bothers you if you have a dog! It’s awesome. Plus, she's great with people and will be well behaved and sit or lay down if nervous kids or around and stuff like that. She's not that good with dogs, but I am trying real hard to train her! *oy*. I took her cross-country skiing yesterday and we had a blast!

I only have her for a short time because I have decided that I simply cannot have the ex in my life now. There's a weirdness of boundaries around the dog, it involves keys to her house and seeing her and 'hanging out' every time we make a dog exchange. Also, I am basically deeply disgusted (re: aforementioned lack of boundaries) with the ex at the moment and would like to have the power to make sure I don't see her... if I have the dog I can work out exchanges that are non-visiting exchanges. Drop off/pick up sort of things that wouldn't involve weird boundary violations. The thing is, also, that somewhere in there I stopped believing that she was the best one of us to have the dog, and I want custody now. Fancy Pants has really excelled as an only dog. She needs it and the ex and I had agreed on that... but the ex is kind of an animal collector. She loves them, and I get that... and she's not a bad pet owner or anything, but she's gotten another cat and another dog and Fancy Pants is my dog and I want what's best for her.

So. I asked my landlord if I could keep her full time. The ex has always magnanimously claimed that I can have the dog whenever I want. I hope she meant it, and I hope, hope, hope he says yes! It will mean a lot more consciousness about my day to day planning - got to make sure I let the dog out and walk her and exercise her enough. I think it will be good for me too -- and my downstairs neighbor has a dog so I do have some hope!

ALSO

I speak with my advisor about possibly switching into the plain Nurse Practitioner program today. I am nervous. I hope he can give me some good advice. I have decided that I will just tell him my honest thoughts and see what he has to say.

Rediscovering Feminism

I am beginning a blog. It starts like this:

I rediscovered my feminism in a discussion over peanut butter and apple slices today. When did we stop realizing that society is silencing a whole gender by not hearing them? At work it is my job to comfort women in pain. It is what I do; it is what I am good at. It is my calling. Today I realized that when a woman screams in pain that it is a *feminist* issue. Today there was only me, and in that moment I became the saver and the saved.