Moving soil

I spent Sunday with my hands in the earth. It felt good, although it was someone else's garden. As I toiled -- sun shining, hands in the dirt, pulling weeds, sweating and moving soil -- I missed my old garden deeply. That hole pops up now and again, murky and deep and filled with a quiet ferocity.

There were three bright green, red-eyed grasshoppers hiding on a leaf in the garden. They appeared as if they had absorbed the sun and were illuminated from within. Translucent and glowing, they held the points of their protective triangle against the world. Their tiny delicate green bodies marked with thin red racing stripes and wide red oval-eyes that held secrets, secrets my heart longs for.

Tell me little green grasshopper. Tell me the secret of absorbing the rays of sun and glowing from within?

So, anyway...

Updatey-ness.

I decided to go ahead and apply to midwifery school. I have one recommendation lined up and will ask the midwife I am meeting for lunch next week for one a well. I am not sure who to ask the third one for, there are other midwives and I could do that. The one who went to the program I'm applying to lives out of the country now, but we're in touch by email, so I may ask her. It's a kind of wait and see sort of situation.

My co-workers and the midwives I've spoken with are very encouraging. My friends less so. The PhD is what I would be giving up, and I get the encouragement to see it through and love 'em for it. I haven't totally trashed the idea of the PhD yet... I just *want*. I want to try; need to, I think.

On the me front: I have been doing a lot of nurturing lately. Its both easy and difficult. It is easy because it is so organic and comes from my heart. It is difficult because it tests parts of me. I get frustrated at the part of me that tends to do this at the expense of my own feelings. At times, I even find myself wondering if it is healthy for me. I feel bad about that, and I think it is based in fear rather than logic... because the nurturing I'm doing? It is both necessary and worthwhile. I just feel tender? Scared of over-extending myself yet again, of not having enough left over to bounce back or to take care of myself. It seems like a part of me is always waiting for the need to bounce back. Never trusting in the safety net or in being nurtured in return. Its a disease, really and I wonder how it will sneak up to perform sabotage, espionage or decoupage on my psyche next. Oy. I think I'm premenstrual.

That's all for now.

Heat

It's been hot. My brain melted.

Heat

Has a weight and shape
Humid and unrepentant
She runs her hot hands down my
Sweat-slicked sides
Slips and grabs and growls
Hot breath on the back of my neck.
Heavy-lidded she flutters
On the ceiling next to the fan
Blowing and gathering
To watching the small trickle of
Sweat emerge from under my breast
To memorize its meandering path
To the sheets.

Summer sky, lilac and birthday update.

May started cool and rainy and took a long time warming. Recently, I have felt summer begin to sing to me. The night sky in the summer always seems to fill me with a sense of being a part of things. I had that feeling the other night. On this particular night, the sky was filled with stars and stolen kisses, the light of a loan firefly and the occasional passing car. The air was warm enough for shorts and cool enough for leaning and filled with the soft sounds of friends gathering to build a fire -- bellies filled with laughter and tandori chicken kabobs, slowly kooked over the fire with love.

Also. I am a bad, bad blogger. I have not updated y'all about my birthday or life in general in a while now. I forget, sometimes that people read this thing.

Eeep.

My birthday was both amazing and wonderful (and I am sorry I didn't write to update folks about it earlier). Kelly came! I ate Alaskan king salmon! The sun shone the whole day and I felt very peaceful and generally happy despite having been so disappointed-y earlier. I made plans to go to Maria's for dinner and grill, walked in the park and at sometime in the afternoon a certain surprising, enterprising and very dear woman surprised me by calling to tell me that she was coming to visit after all! The trip was monumental in that it required a 5 hour drive each way, it took place *immediately* following her last final exam in a grueling week of final exams *and* she was only able to stay for 24 hours. Needless to say, I was surprised and delighted (and very thrilled) that she was able to come and it totally totally made my day. Kelly arrived around 6:30pm and then we went over to Maria's. Maria let me grill on her Webber grill (!). We had fresh caught Alaskan king salmon with a lemon, dill and brown sugar glaze, grilled red and yellow peppers, salad and maria made a citrus-berry mousse. I made some sugar and apple brandy coated strawberries for the top of a store-bought cheese cake (which I forsook for Maria's amazing dessert). We used the strawberries on top of the mousse. It was fantastic! The rest of the 24 hours was also fantastic and very memorable, but the only thing that I recall about that is blog-able is a walk through the flower-heavy and fragrant lilac blossoms in the park. The lilacs were amazing this year - full and heavy and all blooming at once. The park is amazing when the lilacs are in bloom and it feels like the sort of place one might come across a silver unicorn named Indigo nibbling lilacs under the moon.

Also. I spent a lot of this month contemplating school. I have decided to apply to midwifery school. It is a shot to do the kind of care I want, and it is an option I feel I need to give myself. I am not sure yet what I will decide, but life is short and I want to provide health care for women and while I am here walking in my own skin, I think that maybe, maybe I deserve to reach toward something I really want.

I have more to update about this month... and I shall (I swear it!). For now, though, time is running thin and I must run.