Just got back from a bit of a too-short camping trip.
There's something about a glorious fall day that lifts up my heart and makes me feel like singing. I spent the weekend bundled up, drinking hot coffee on the porch, playing with friends, warming myself in front of blazing wood fires, kayaking and eating good food. The thing about camping is that food and sleep are always the most glorious for me when I top them off with some brisk cold air.
I can't even begin to do justice to a description of the Adirondacks this time of year, but I'll try: The fall leaves are out, though it is a tad late in the season for their full glory. There were fall rain showers in the late night and early morning, wind whipping up the color on our cheeks and fluttering gold and crimson fall leaves. The smell of earth and wood smoke and rain... the sounds of laugher carried on the wind. Rustic cabins with wood stoves and old farm tables for the gathering of family and friends by lamp light.
A trip with that many people can be a bear if the right mix isn't there -- but everyone was lovely and harmonious, as if they'd been hand picked. Which I suppose they were. Group time, alone time, pie-iron time and god-bless-america, pretty walk time.
I had many firsts. A first pie-iron sandwich, a naming, a first time seeing the quaint homestead and the broad porch worn smooth with the boots of friends. A first time to the island, a first pretty walk, and the first night in too many years where the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes were more stars than I could count or name.
On my last day, I paddled out to the island in the lake. I had the whole thing to myself and I sat in a sheltered niche on a bed of soft pine needles and painted a picture. It was the first time in a long time I'd felt that feeling of connecting to my joy in earthliness -- the seasons and of nature -- through my eyes and hands. The wind was cold enough so that I wore gloves, but it blew the rain and clouds from earlier in the day away. The sky became that cloudless lilac color unique to cold fall days. Across the lake the shore was punctuated by brilliant fall colors interspersed with the deep wisened green of the pines; colors that popped against the bright fall sky. I drew a picture of it, which was profound for me. It made me feel both content and happy, and also made me tear up for the loneliness I've carried in abandoning that connection for so long and for the sweet tender feeling it drew up in me to go back to that place.
Ever sat in a pile of cushy pine needles alone on an island watching the fall breathe around you? It's magic and profound, and I am grateful.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Existental Ponderings
I haven't written in a bit. I'm still alive. I promise.
The general update is that I had some surgery, which turned out fine. I am doing well, recovery has had some bumps but things are looking good. Also, school started up again this week. Turns out school requires lots of reading and Quals are coming up for me this summer (it gives me agita just thinking about it). These days I am in a place of self inquiry. Sometimes I feel close to the core of myself and other times my life just confuses me and I don't know where I am or what I am doing. Even though sometimes I just want clarity, and ease... I know. I know that life is not meant to be clear or easy... that is beside the point. It is the journey we are meant to savor and enjoy. So I am savoring and enjoying it. One day at a time.
Anyway, that's enough of my existential pondering for now.
I wrote a poem last week. For what its worth, here it is:
The Dance.
The persimmon sun sits heavy on the horizon;
Slides down the darkening sky to the slate blue water below.
I came to be with.
With you, with them, with myself;
To dance together here at the edge of the water, beneath the setting sun.
The general update is that I had some surgery, which turned out fine. I am doing well, recovery has had some bumps but things are looking good. Also, school started up again this week. Turns out school requires lots of reading and Quals are coming up for me this summer (it gives me agita just thinking about it). These days I am in a place of self inquiry. Sometimes I feel close to the core of myself and other times my life just confuses me and I don't know where I am or what I am doing. Even though sometimes I just want clarity, and ease... I know. I know that life is not meant to be clear or easy... that is beside the point. It is the journey we are meant to savor and enjoy. So I am savoring and enjoying it. One day at a time.
Anyway, that's enough of my existential pondering for now.
I wrote a poem last week. For what its worth, here it is:
The Dance.
The persimmon sun sits heavy on the horizon;
Slides down the darkening sky to the slate blue water below.
I came to be with.
With you, with them, with myself;
To dance together here at the edge of the water, beneath the setting sun.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Life is rich
I spent Saturday at my first ever renaissance faire <--spelled with an 'e'), which they now call a festival... which I don't understand since everybody knows that every renaissance thingy is exponentially better when words end in an 'e' or have a random 'y' substituted for an 'i'.
Hmmmm.
It makes me wonder if 'womyn' has some sort of renaissance faire-type association. Wouldn't surprise me... of course all the lesbians I know from the 'womyn' era are kinda fantastically hippy, and the folks there were dressed in poofy hemp skirts too, so it makes sense.
The day was, by the way, just... grand. Shall I describe it to you? Of course I shall! I was kind of worried about the day at the beginning, actually. It's funny, 'cos it turned out so pleasant!
Saturday Morning:
I was running late to get at our meeting place at 10am *sharp*. I had forgotten about the annual frat-boy beer drinking festival that crosses the road I take to get there. As luck would have it, there were police traffic folks and I was only 5 minutes late (praise the goddess) because...
-- insert foreboding music and dimming of lights here --
I arrived to a cloud of gloom. Oy! Grumpy and grumpier were acting out a comedy of caffeine withdrawal and cat-puke despair. Everybody was late. No one was speaking to each other. No one had eaten. Someone had tracked cat puke onto the rug. Eeeeeek!
Luckily the late folks arrived just in time to diffuse the situation before the black hole of despair consumed us all (plus they wanted to stop and get coffee, so everyone was happy).
Soon we were underway, there was even low giggling and sharing of foodstuffs.
Saturday Afternoon:
We arrived to a reminder that mother nature is the boss of us.
A tumultuous thunderstorm crashed down upon us the moment we pulled into the parking lot. There were five of us in the car and mama nature was hurling huge thumb-sized drops of rain at us. Hard! There was lightning and thunder and only one of us had an umbrella! We were stuck, all five of us, in a vehicle parked in a big mud puddle muttering "it'll blow over" like a mantra under our breaths... when Madonna spoke to us through the speakers.
So.
With approximately 4 minutes to save the world (or so they say), the group of tightly packed bodies spontaneously busted a move. Which is difficult in a Saturn sedan, but I am here to say is quite possible.
Anyway, apparently the simultaneous show of optimism pleased the universe, because the rain lilted into a soft mist, everyone was happy and laughing and the day picked up the black cloud that had been floating over her and decided to wear it as a cape!
There were folks in renaissance era garb, folks wearing rugs as skirts in an attempt to mimic renaissance era garb, a hilarious man on stilts in a horse costume and a fabulous acrobatic woman in green tights with the moon phases tattooed on her back. There may or may not have been a significant consumption of ale from plastic cups. The pulled-pork pita was both memorable and delicious, as was the intense lady who pulls sound out of her drum. There was the hippy couple that plays the lute and sings "bring us in good ale, good ale/bring us in good ale! Pour a cup for the lady's sake, and bring us in good ale!"and the fried bread with cherries on top, and a woodcut of a stag and a raven and a mermaid. Those things, with a backdrop of cool air and twitters of sunshine and mist and old friends laughing together.
Saturday Evening:
The very best part of the day though, for me, was the short trip afterward to the bluffs.
The gentle field with wisps of tall grasses and prairie flowers like on little house on the prairie plunged suddenly into the soft insistent grey of Lake Ontario, with a sun like a brandy-soaked peach on fire behind it. There was this peninsula-like outcropping that apparently a person used to be able to walk out onto. It was called 'the spine' and had eroded into flesh colored rivulets of earth descending toward the water. It looked like an old woman with pendulous breasts washing her hair in the ocean to me.
I laid there looking at the water and the clouds back lit by that intensely orange sun and the grey-blue sky while friends tossed stones down the cliff trying to make them into the water and talked... and then a few of us walked down to the water to skip stones and feel Ms. Ontario lap at our toes. There was an alone-together sort of moment down by the water, where three women skipped stones on the soft grey surface of the waves, and then we went in. Yep. I met a personal goal. I took my ginormous soon-to-be-smaller breasts for their last skinny-dip. The water was soft and the waves huge and body-lifting and just warm enough to be exhilarating without being freezing. And the best part was that, with hoots and hollers and laughter and glee, each of us peeled back a layer and just... were. It felt really *really* good.
Have you ever had the chance to see a glimpse of joy in the face of people you'd really like to see happy? Take them skinny dipping at the bluffs. Seriously. Life is too short not to.
Hmmmm.
It makes me wonder if 'womyn' has some sort of renaissance faire-type association. Wouldn't surprise me... of course all the lesbians I know from the 'womyn' era are kinda fantastically hippy, and the folks there were dressed in poofy hemp skirts too, so it makes sense.
The day was, by the way, just... grand. Shall I describe it to you? Of course I shall! I was kind of worried about the day at the beginning, actually. It's funny, 'cos it turned out so pleasant!
Saturday Morning:
I was running late to get at our meeting place at 10am *sharp*. I had forgotten about the annual frat-boy beer drinking festival that crosses the road I take to get there. As luck would have it, there were police traffic folks and I was only 5 minutes late (praise the goddess) because...
-- insert foreboding music and dimming of lights here --
I arrived to a cloud of gloom. Oy! Grumpy and grumpier were acting out a comedy of caffeine withdrawal and cat-puke despair. Everybody was late. No one was speaking to each other. No one had eaten. Someone had tracked cat puke onto the rug. Eeeeeek!
Luckily the late folks arrived just in time to diffuse the situation before the black hole of despair consumed us all (plus they wanted to stop and get coffee, so everyone was happy).
Soon we were underway, there was even low giggling and sharing of foodstuffs.
Saturday Afternoon:
We arrived to a reminder that mother nature is the boss of us.
A tumultuous thunderstorm crashed down upon us the moment we pulled into the parking lot. There were five of us in the car and mama nature was hurling huge thumb-sized drops of rain at us. Hard! There was lightning and thunder and only one of us had an umbrella! We were stuck, all five of us, in a vehicle parked in a big mud puddle muttering "it'll blow over" like a mantra under our breaths... when Madonna spoke to us through the speakers.
So.
With approximately 4 minutes to save the world (or so they say), the group of tightly packed bodies spontaneously busted a move. Which is difficult in a Saturn sedan, but I am here to say is quite possible.
Anyway, apparently the simultaneous show of optimism pleased the universe, because the rain lilted into a soft mist, everyone was happy and laughing and the day picked up the black cloud that had been floating over her and decided to wear it as a cape!
There were folks in renaissance era garb, folks wearing rugs as skirts in an attempt to mimic renaissance era garb, a hilarious man on stilts in a horse costume and a fabulous acrobatic woman in green tights with the moon phases tattooed on her back. There may or may not have been a significant consumption of ale from plastic cups. The pulled-pork pita was both memorable and delicious, as was the intense lady who pulls sound out of her drum. There was the hippy couple that plays the lute and sings "bring us in good ale, good ale/bring us in good ale! Pour a cup for the lady's sake, and bring us in good ale!"and the fried bread with cherries on top, and a woodcut of a stag and a raven and a mermaid. Those things, with a backdrop of cool air and twitters of sunshine and mist and old friends laughing together.
Saturday Evening:
The very best part of the day though, for me, was the short trip afterward to the bluffs.
The gentle field with wisps of tall grasses and prairie flowers like on little house on the prairie plunged suddenly into the soft insistent grey of Lake Ontario, with a sun like a brandy-soaked peach on fire behind it. There was this peninsula-like outcropping that apparently a person used to be able to walk out onto. It was called 'the spine' and had eroded into flesh colored rivulets of earth descending toward the water. It looked like an old woman with pendulous breasts washing her hair in the ocean to me.
I laid there looking at the water and the clouds back lit by that intensely orange sun and the grey-blue sky while friends tossed stones down the cliff trying to make them into the water and talked... and then a few of us walked down to the water to skip stones and feel Ms. Ontario lap at our toes. There was an alone-together sort of moment down by the water, where three women skipped stones on the soft grey surface of the waves, and then we went in. Yep. I met a personal goal. I took my ginormous soon-to-be-smaller breasts for their last skinny-dip. The water was soft and the waves huge and body-lifting and just warm enough to be exhilarating without being freezing. And the best part was that, with hoots and hollers and laughter and glee, each of us peeled back a layer and just... were. It felt really *really* good.
Have you ever had the chance to see a glimpse of joy in the face of people you'd really like to see happy? Take them skinny dipping at the bluffs. Seriously. Life is too short not to.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
My feelings got hurted.
Can I trade in my girly tender feelings for some f*cking suspenders or a bendy straw or something utilitarian that could *help* me in my life every little once in a while!?
Ugh.
Ugh.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Are you going to a ball, are you going to a party...
Fancy Pants?
Lyrics and music credit: Awesome Kelly
It makes me giggle.
Fancy Pants is, yet again, the subject of a song. Can anyone be blamed for the fact that her cuteness inspires music? I blame Pants. She *is* the cutiest, after all.
The sun is shining. I desire to walk in it; to open my gait and let myself relax into the swing of legs from hip. My back has been begging for walking. Sore and strained it yearns for it, and I must listen and answer.
This evening. This evening I shall take Fancy Pants.
-------------------------------------------------
Later in the evening, the errant blogger returns!
-------------------------------------------------
I met some friends tonight to watch Shakespeare in the park. It's free and they put it on walking distance from my house (and the weather was fab)! Unfortunately one of the microphones on the characters went kerplewey midway through the first act. Incidentally, the play was As You Like It. Kerplewey microphone belonged to Orlando ...so the whole play got confusing. I was lost anyway, but maybe it was just me. Don't think so though, 'cos we all left during intermission and went to my house and then on a night hike!
I heart me a good night hike and tonight did not dissapoint.
It was gorgeous and clear and temperate with a nearly full moon and a clear sky - just windy enough so the bugs didn't bite but warm enough to walk in shorts and a t-shirt. We went to the park and through the woods how I like to go, and then up into the Colgate Divinity School campus.
They have a hill there where you can see the tree line and the sky all wide and unfolding against the edges of the universe. I like to imagine contemplative monks or nuns taking in the night sky with wonder, just like I do.
It's the second time I've been to that spot this summer. The place always seems a little magic and a little lonely to me. It was lovely to see the view again. While my friends snuck off to find a divine corner to spoon in, I laid there and pet my dog and watched the sky, stark and clear and somehow both large and small and together and alone all at once. I imagined the unfolding of the universe and wondered what lies in store for me? Where are my feet are leading me these days? What will unfold?
I didn't arrive at any answers, but I could swear the lady in the moon winked at me.
Lyrics and music credit: Awesome Kelly
It makes me giggle.
Fancy Pants is, yet again, the subject of a song. Can anyone be blamed for the fact that her cuteness inspires music? I blame Pants. She *is* the cutiest, after all.
The sun is shining. I desire to walk in it; to open my gait and let myself relax into the swing of legs from hip. My back has been begging for walking. Sore and strained it yearns for it, and I must listen and answer.
This evening. This evening I shall take Fancy Pants.
-------------------------------------------------
Later in the evening, the errant blogger returns!
-------------------------------------------------
I met some friends tonight to watch Shakespeare in the park. It's free and they put it on walking distance from my house (and the weather was fab)! Unfortunately one of the microphones on the characters went kerplewey midway through the first act. Incidentally, the play was As You Like It. Kerplewey microphone belonged to Orlando ...so the whole play got confusing. I was lost anyway, but maybe it was just me. Don't think so though, 'cos we all left during intermission and went to my house and then on a night hike!
I heart me a good night hike and tonight did not dissapoint.
It was gorgeous and clear and temperate with a nearly full moon and a clear sky - just windy enough so the bugs didn't bite but warm enough to walk in shorts and a t-shirt. We went to the park and through the woods how I like to go, and then up into the Colgate Divinity School campus.
They have a hill there where you can see the tree line and the sky all wide and unfolding against the edges of the universe. I like to imagine contemplative monks or nuns taking in the night sky with wonder, just like I do.
It's the second time I've been to that spot this summer. The place always seems a little magic and a little lonely to me. It was lovely to see the view again. While my friends snuck off to find a divine corner to spoon in, I laid there and pet my dog and watched the sky, stark and clear and somehow both large and small and together and alone all at once. I imagined the unfolding of the universe and wondered what lies in store for me? Where are my feet are leading me these days? What will unfold?
I didn't arrive at any answers, but I could swear the lady in the moon winked at me.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Moving soil
I spent Sunday with my hands in the earth. It felt good, although it was someone else's garden. As I toiled -- sun shining, hands in the dirt, pulling weeds, sweating and moving soil -- I missed my old garden deeply. That hole pops up now and again, murky and deep and filled with a quiet ferocity.
There were three bright green, red-eyed grasshoppers hiding on a leaf in the garden. They appeared as if they had absorbed the sun and were illuminated from within. Translucent and glowing, they held the points of their protective triangle against the world. Their tiny delicate green bodies marked with thin red racing stripes and wide red oval-eyes that held secrets, secrets my heart longs for.
Tell me little green grasshopper. Tell me the secret of absorbing the rays of sun and glowing from within?
There were three bright green, red-eyed grasshoppers hiding on a leaf in the garden. They appeared as if they had absorbed the sun and were illuminated from within. Translucent and glowing, they held the points of their protective triangle against the world. Their tiny delicate green bodies marked with thin red racing stripes and wide red oval-eyes that held secrets, secrets my heart longs for.
Tell me little green grasshopper. Tell me the secret of absorbing the rays of sun and glowing from within?
Monday, June 16, 2008
So, anyway...
Updatey-ness.
I decided to go ahead and apply to midwifery school. I have one recommendation lined up and will ask the midwife I am meeting for lunch next week for one a well. I am not sure who to ask the third one for, there are other midwives and I could do that. The one who went to the program I'm applying to lives out of the country now, but we're in touch by email, so I may ask her. It's a kind of wait and see sort of situation.
My co-workers and the midwives I've spoken with are very encouraging. My friends less so. The PhD is what I would be giving up, and I get the encouragement to see it through and love 'em for it. I haven't totally trashed the idea of the PhD yet... I just *want*. I want to try; need to, I think.
On the me front: I have been doing a lot of nurturing lately. Its both easy and difficult. It is easy because it is so organic and comes from my heart. It is difficult because it tests parts of me. I get frustrated at the part of me that tends to do this at the expense of my own feelings. At times, I even find myself wondering if it is healthy for me. I feel bad about that, and I think it is based in fear rather than logic... because the nurturing I'm doing? It is both necessary and worthwhile. I just feel tender? Scared of over-extending myself yet again, of not having enough left over to bounce back or to take care of myself. It seems like a part of me is always waiting for the need to bounce back. Never trusting in the safety net or in being nurtured in return. Its a disease, really and I wonder how it will sneak up to perform sabotage, espionage or decoupage on my psyche next. Oy. I think I'm premenstrual.
That's all for now.
I decided to go ahead and apply to midwifery school. I have one recommendation lined up and will ask the midwife I am meeting for lunch next week for one a well. I am not sure who to ask the third one for, there are other midwives and I could do that. The one who went to the program I'm applying to lives out of the country now, but we're in touch by email, so I may ask her. It's a kind of wait and see sort of situation.
My co-workers and the midwives I've spoken with are very encouraging. My friends less so. The PhD is what I would be giving up, and I get the encouragement to see it through and love 'em for it. I haven't totally trashed the idea of the PhD yet... I just *want*. I want to try; need to, I think.
On the me front: I have been doing a lot of nurturing lately. Its both easy and difficult. It is easy because it is so organic and comes from my heart. It is difficult because it tests parts of me. I get frustrated at the part of me that tends to do this at the expense of my own feelings. At times, I even find myself wondering if it is healthy for me. I feel bad about that, and I think it is based in fear rather than logic... because the nurturing I'm doing? It is both necessary and worthwhile. I just feel tender? Scared of over-extending myself yet again, of not having enough left over to bounce back or to take care of myself. It seems like a part of me is always waiting for the need to bounce back. Never trusting in the safety net or in being nurtured in return. Its a disease, really and I wonder how it will sneak up to perform sabotage, espionage or decoupage on my psyche next. Oy. I think I'm premenstrual.
That's all for now.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Heat
It's been hot. My brain melted.
Heat
Has a weight and shape
Humid and unrepentant
She runs her hot hands down my
Sweat-slicked sides
Slips and grabs and growls
Hot breath on the back of my neck.
Heavy-lidded she flutters
On the ceiling next to the fan
Blowing and gathering
To watching the small trickle of
Sweat emerge from under my breast
To memorize its meandering path
To the sheets.
Heat
Has a weight and shape
Humid and unrepentant
She runs her hot hands down my
Sweat-slicked sides
Slips and grabs and growls
Hot breath on the back of my neck.
Heavy-lidded she flutters
On the ceiling next to the fan
Blowing and gathering
To watching the small trickle of
Sweat emerge from under my breast
To memorize its meandering path
To the sheets.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Summer sky, lilac and birthday update.
May started cool and rainy and took a long time warming. Recently, I have felt summer begin to sing to me. The night sky in the summer always seems to fill me with a sense of being a part of things. I had that feeling the other night. On this particular night, the sky was filled with stars and stolen kisses, the light of a loan firefly and the occasional passing car. The air was warm enough for shorts and cool enough for leaning and filled with the soft sounds of friends gathering to build a fire -- bellies filled with laughter and tandori chicken kabobs, slowly kooked over the fire with love.
Also. I am a bad, bad blogger. I have not updated y'all about my birthday or life in general in a while now. I forget, sometimes that people read this thing.
Eeep.
My birthday was both amazing and wonderful (and I am sorry I didn't write to update folks about it earlier). Kelly came! I ate Alaskan king salmon! The sun shone the whole day and I felt very peaceful and generally happy despite having been so disappointed-y earlier. I made plans to go to Maria's for dinner and grill, walked in the park and at sometime in the afternoon a certain surprising, enterprising and very dear woman surprised me by calling to tell me that she was coming to visit after all! The trip was monumental in that it required a 5 hour drive each way, it took place *immediately* following her last final exam in a grueling week of final exams *and* she was only able to stay for 24 hours. Needless to say, I was surprised and delighted (and very thrilled) that she was able to come and it totally totally made my day. Kelly arrived around 6:30pm and then we went over to Maria's. Maria let me grill on her Webber grill (!). We had fresh caught Alaskan king salmon with a lemon, dill and brown sugar glaze, grilled red and yellow peppers, salad and maria made a citrus-berry mousse. I made some sugar and apple brandy coated strawberries for the top of a store-bought cheese cake (which I forsook for Maria's amazing dessert). We used the strawberries on top of the mousse. It was fantastic! The rest of the 24 hours was also fantastic and very memorable, but the only thing that I recall about that is blog-able is a walk through the flower-heavy and fragrant lilac blossoms in the park. The lilacs were amazing this year - full and heavy and all blooming at once. The park is amazing when the lilacs are in bloom and it feels like the sort of place one might come across a silver unicorn named Indigo nibbling lilacs under the moon.
Also. I spent a lot of this month contemplating school. I have decided to apply to midwifery school. It is a shot to do the kind of care I want, and it is an option I feel I need to give myself. I am not sure yet what I will decide, but life is short and I want to provide health care for women and while I am here walking in my own skin, I think that maybe, maybe I deserve to reach toward something I really want.
I have more to update about this month... and I shall (I swear it!). For now, though, time is running thin and I must run.
Also. I am a bad, bad blogger. I have not updated y'all about my birthday or life in general in a while now. I forget, sometimes that people read this thing.
Eeep.
My birthday was both amazing and wonderful (and I am sorry I didn't write to update folks about it earlier). Kelly came! I ate Alaskan king salmon! The sun shone the whole day and I felt very peaceful and generally happy despite having been so disappointed-y earlier. I made plans to go to Maria's for dinner and grill, walked in the park and at sometime in the afternoon a certain surprising, enterprising and very dear woman surprised me by calling to tell me that she was coming to visit after all! The trip was monumental in that it required a 5 hour drive each way, it took place *immediately* following her last final exam in a grueling week of final exams *and* she was only able to stay for 24 hours. Needless to say, I was surprised and delighted (and very thrilled) that she was able to come and it totally totally made my day. Kelly arrived around 6:30pm and then we went over to Maria's. Maria let me grill on her Webber grill (!). We had fresh caught Alaskan king salmon with a lemon, dill and brown sugar glaze, grilled red and yellow peppers, salad and maria made a citrus-berry mousse. I made some sugar and apple brandy coated strawberries for the top of a store-bought cheese cake (which I forsook for Maria's amazing dessert). We used the strawberries on top of the mousse. It was fantastic! The rest of the 24 hours was also fantastic and very memorable, but the only thing that I recall about that is blog-able is a walk through the flower-heavy and fragrant lilac blossoms in the park. The lilacs were amazing this year - full and heavy and all blooming at once. The park is amazing when the lilacs are in bloom and it feels like the sort of place one might come across a silver unicorn named Indigo nibbling lilacs under the moon.
Also. I spent a lot of this month contemplating school. I have decided to apply to midwifery school. It is a shot to do the kind of care I want, and it is an option I feel I need to give myself. I am not sure yet what I will decide, but life is short and I want to provide health care for women and while I am here walking in my own skin, I think that maybe, maybe I deserve to reach toward something I really want.
I have more to update about this month... and I shall (I swear it!). For now, though, time is running thin and I must run.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Snatch it back and hold it.
My sister visited for about 14 hours. It was good to see her. She was on her way to NYC but the visit was a flash. We did get to see the Lilac Festival and it was lovely! She seemed to enjoy it! All the lilacs were in burgeoning beautiful bountiful bloom! Her favorites were the white buttery-smelling ones. I prefer the dark almost reddish purple ones.
Update on the back: I got a massage Saturday from Jill. It was a total godsend! I feel a million bajillion times better! Also, I had a doctor's appointment this morning and was cleared to go back to work, so spent my first half-day back. I did fine, my back did fine and I got to get back in the swing of things. Yay!
In other news:
I learned yesterday that my birthday plans fell through. I was all hopped-up on the anticipation and the news caught me in the gut.I proceeded, forthwith, to drop into the Depths of Despair. I did Anne of Green Gables proud, I tell you what. I have since decided that's just dumb. It can't be helped and moping over things that can't be helped is just dumb. I therefore decided that I should totally not mope and instead make other plans. It's the gosh darn day I was born! Holy chocolate cheese cake batman, I'm pretty fond of the fact that I exist! I think I ought to celebrate it.
I went for a walk today in Mt. Hope Cemetery and the pink dogwoods are in bloom and the fountain is on for the Lilac Festival and it is so lovely and picturesque! It occurred to me during my walk that *this* is what I can do tomorrow! I am totally going to pack a picnic lunch and bring my sketch book and tromp around lookin' at all the old back-woods parts of the cemetery. Oh! And I can go to the Elwanger Barry Gardens!!! I haven't done that this year yet and I always love it and they always open it for the festival. Yay! I'd forgotten about that. And, if it rains too much I shall take myself to the butterfly garden or the conservatory (or both, why not? It's my birthday!). At any rate, it will be a luxurious day and afterward I will shop for something fresh and delicious and will cook a decadent dinner on Maria's grill and it is going to be a lovely day. I decided.
Anyone want to come over for cake? I am thinking that I may make a run to Cheesie Eddies. Just sayin'.
Edited to update info, correct spelling, attitude adjust, putter and generally word-smith.
Update on the back: I got a massage Saturday from Jill. It was a total godsend! I feel a million bajillion times better! Also, I had a doctor's appointment this morning and was cleared to go back to work, so spent my first half-day back. I did fine, my back did fine and I got to get back in the swing of things. Yay!
In other news:
I learned yesterday that my birthday plans fell through. I was all hopped-up on the anticipation and the news caught me in the gut.I proceeded, forthwith, to drop into the Depths of Despair. I did Anne of Green Gables proud, I tell you what. I have since decided that's just dumb. It can't be helped and moping over things that can't be helped is just dumb. I therefore decided that I should totally not mope and instead make other plans. It's the gosh darn day I was born! Holy chocolate cheese cake batman, I'm pretty fond of the fact that I exist! I think I ought to celebrate it.
I went for a walk today in Mt. Hope Cemetery and the pink dogwoods are in bloom and the fountain is on for the Lilac Festival and it is so lovely and picturesque! It occurred to me during my walk that *this* is what I can do tomorrow! I am totally going to pack a picnic lunch and bring my sketch book and tromp around lookin' at all the old back-woods parts of the cemetery. Oh! And I can go to the Elwanger Barry Gardens!!! I haven't done that this year yet and I always love it and they always open it for the festival. Yay! I'd forgotten about that. And, if it rains too much I shall take myself to the butterfly garden or the conservatory (or both, why not? It's my birthday!). At any rate, it will be a luxurious day and afterward I will shop for something fresh and delicious and will cook a decadent dinner on Maria's grill and it is going to be a lovely day. I decided.
Anyone want to come over for cake? I am thinking that I may make a run to Cheesie Eddies. Just sayin'.
Edited to update info, correct spelling, attitude adjust, putter and generally word-smith.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Welcome, spring.
Welcome, spring --
Glorious, green and new.
Welcome soft rain on new grass;
On flowing places
shadowed and quiet and just beginning.
I know you,
welcome home.
I made a new poem. Its becoming a thing.
I love this time of year -- tulips and daffodils and hyacinth bobbing their spring-bulb heads in the soft afternoon rain. Grass is green and starting to grow crazy-like. It gets ahead of the urban grass-trimmers this time of year. I think maybe it is because it is often raining in the afternoon when they get home from their 9-5 work day or maybe it is just because it just grows so fast this time of year? Anyway, it is wild and new and floppy-haphazard. It pleases me to see the crazy little things that pop up in the midst of the grass-forest -- random grape hyacinth and lily of the valley and crocus making their grand escape from the garden . Be free little spring bulbs, be free!
I live right around the corner from Highland Park in my current little apartment. My landlord is raising the rent and I am poor, so it may not be my current abode for long, but for the time being I am right around the corner! I walk there often, usually daily, though not this week*. It has been wonderful seeing the seasons turn from deep winter, white and crisp, to burgeoning spring ripe with pregnant buds of flowers soon-to-bloom. Right now, the lilacs are fat and ready to burst open, just in time for the Lilac Festival. For those of you unfamiliar, the Lilac Festival takes place every year in Highland Park, which is home to a huge assortment of gorgeous Lilacs. I think (though I may be wrong, the facts must be corroborated), over 1000 Lilac Bushes are planted there. It takes place during two weeks in May and it starts this Friday. I haven't traditionally been a huge Lilac Festival goer, but as I live around the corner I think I'll pop in to hear some music now and again.
Spring brings me wonderful packages in the form of blooming things, slow walks and sweet smells and quiet moments... and this year, visitors:
Glorious, green and new.
Welcome soft rain on new grass;
On flowing places
shadowed and quiet and just beginning.
I know you,
welcome home.
I made a new poem. Its becoming a thing.
I love this time of year -- tulips and daffodils and hyacinth bobbing their spring-bulb heads in the soft afternoon rain. Grass is green and starting to grow crazy-like. It gets ahead of the urban grass-trimmers this time of year. I think maybe it is because it is often raining in the afternoon when they get home from their 9-5 work day or maybe it is just because it just grows so fast this time of year? Anyway, it is wild and new and floppy-haphazard. It pleases me to see the crazy little things that pop up in the midst of the grass-forest -- random grape hyacinth and lily of the valley and crocus making their grand escape from the garden . Be free little spring bulbs, be free!
I live right around the corner from Highland Park in my current little apartment. My landlord is raising the rent and I am poor, so it may not be my current abode for long, but for the time being I am right around the corner! I walk there often, usually daily, though not this week*. It has been wonderful seeing the seasons turn from deep winter, white and crisp, to burgeoning spring ripe with pregnant buds of flowers soon-to-bloom. Right now, the lilacs are fat and ready to burst open, just in time for the Lilac Festival. For those of you unfamiliar, the Lilac Festival takes place every year in Highland Park, which is home to a huge assortment of gorgeous Lilacs. I think (though I may be wrong, the facts must be corroborated), over 1000 Lilac Bushes are planted there. It takes place during two weeks in May and it starts this Friday. I haven't traditionally been a huge Lilac Festival goer, but as I live around the corner I think I'll pop in to hear some music now and again.
Spring brings me wonderful packages in the form of blooming things, slow walks and sweet smells and quiet moments... and this year, visitors:
- The first visitor arrives this weekend. On Saturday night, my sister arrives from Chicago for a short visit on her way to New York City. In case you were wondering, I hold my super-fabu-great-o-rama big sister in unconditional positive regard. She's great (she's a costume designer, makes her own line of jewelery with nuts and bolts and gears, can write with her toes and has a lovely singing voice)! She's sweet (she used to sing me to sleep at night when I was a wee thing)! She's brave (she is picking up her life in LA and traveling out west to make a more fulfilling career for herself)! Plus, she's my sister!
- The second visitor is not so much a visitor as a much anticipated arrival. On Tuesday evening, which is my birthday (thats 5/13, folks), Awesome Kelly arrives in Rochester! Yes, it is true. On the evening of the day of my birth, after finishing the world's most arduous two weeks of test/final/school/life intensity that morning, she'll be making the 5 hour drive to Rochester. Which is just sweet and, I am beginning to realize, typical of her. I am gushing a lot today about spring and people I hold in positive regard but I can't help it. What time is it? It is springtime and the flowers are blooming! ...and, in case the name didn't clue you in, I am of the ardent personal opinion that Awesome Kelly is, well, awesome. I can't even begin to say how pleased and excited I am about her arrival! I might pop from excitement! ...Well, I might.
- *I have f-ed up my back. I did it at work, slipped on ice chips. It sucks and I am feeling restless and overtired 'cos it hurts and makes it so I can't be as active as I like and it keeps me awake at night. Soon. It will get better soon. I have hikes and expeditions and positions I'd like to explore. So yeah. Sooner is better.
- I am *also* in the middle of working on my Statistics final, which I hope *not* to flunk. I think I am missing the statistics synapse in my brain. I really do. I look at it and my head goes all fuzzy. Maybe it's just panic clouding my thoughts. I dunno. I finished the first two questions, so there's that.
- I have made the decision to finish out this year with the MS/PhD program. I promised myself a year, which will be complete as of this summer. I am seriously considering alternate options for my career trajectory. I'll write more about that another day when I have more solidness under my feet.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Shadow Places
Welcome back to the inner ponderings of my mind.
Deep thoughts, by me:
There was a time when I felt like I was in a shadow place most of the time; that I lived there and was becoming pasty and golem-like. It was dark in there, dank and hard to see. I cracked my shin (painfully) on truth and lie alike, more than once... and more than once I felt in my heart that I was a walking bruise as a result. This is the shadow place. In case you were wondering, it is not a good place to hang out
The thing is, everybody has this place. The question is do you live there or do you navigate it with purpose or do you deny it? There is no escaping it, because it just *is*. You cannot protect yourself from it. Because, see, shadows serve a purpose. They *are* protection... they offer cool respite from the noon-day sun, they protect us from its rays when it gets too intense and they describe the denseness and opacity of the shape of an object when we cannot see the object itself.
So. What does one *do* with one's shadow place?
For me, for me... I have learned to pause when I find myself there; to think first of protection and safety. Then, I illuminate. Because, see, shadows are cast in sharpest relief in the brightest light. When things are nebulous and undefined and hard to grasp, it is the edges that show me the shape and depth of the shadow. So I look for the edges of things. Edges speak to me. They tell me where things begin and end... and in the absence of knowing, define in some small way, the scope of what is contained within. Because see, it's *my* shadow place. It may have hard things in it that bruise me, but I don't have to whisper or tiptoe around them. I can turn on the hip-hop, open the windows, sweep up the dust bunnies, pull out the old credenza, climb on top and dance (just a little bit, just for myself ).
Deep thoughts, by me:
There was a time when I felt like I was in a shadow place most of the time; that I lived there and was becoming pasty and golem-like. It was dark in there, dank and hard to see. I cracked my shin (painfully) on truth and lie alike, more than once... and more than once I felt in my heart that I was a walking bruise as a result. This is the shadow place. In case you were wondering, it is not a good place to hang out
The thing is, everybody has this place. The question is do you live there or do you navigate it with purpose or do you deny it? There is no escaping it, because it just *is*. You cannot protect yourself from it. Because, see, shadows serve a purpose. They *are* protection... they offer cool respite from the noon-day sun, they protect us from its rays when it gets too intense and they describe the denseness and opacity of the shape of an object when we cannot see the object itself.
So. What does one *do* with one's shadow place?
For me, for me... I have learned to pause when I find myself there; to think first of protection and safety. Then, I illuminate. Because, see, shadows are cast in sharpest relief in the brightest light. When things are nebulous and undefined and hard to grasp, it is the edges that show me the shape and depth of the shadow. So I look for the edges of things. Edges speak to me. They tell me where things begin and end... and in the absence of knowing, define in some small way, the scope of what is contained within. Because see, it's *my* shadow place. It may have hard things in it that bruise me, but I don't have to whisper or tiptoe around them. I can turn on the hip-hop, open the windows, sweep up the dust bunnies, pull out the old credenza, climb on top and dance (just a little bit, just for myself ).
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Artic Tern
Photography credit: Wikipedia
I made this while contemplating existentialism (and that one sanderling poem and a song my family used to sing on road trips ...and my father). I have this paper I should be writing but apparently I feel moved to write poetry instead.
Arctic Tern
Over the Gulkana River
the Arctic Tern dips the sharp edge of her wing
and rides the vortex of the wind,
slicing perfect circles out of the sky.
She is making windows to the cosmos
for the spawning salmon below.
Proud and dying, they struggle upstream
shedding eggs and rose colored flesh
as she dances with the midnight sun.
Edited to add a picture of an Arctic Tern and 'cos I thought of a better ending, how I do.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Truth and Beauty
Photography, artistic and general brilliance credit: Awesome Kelly.
Do you see this?
*This* is beautiful to me.
It is beautiful in vision and execution and intent.
It is so beautiful it makes me want to cry.
I look at it and it feels like the weight of these stones is connecting the cosmos to the core of the center of the earth.
It looks like truth feels to me; like centered solidness in the midst of an impossible balancing act.
It dances.
It plays with the idea of symmetry and the orange late day sun.
Ever have someone make something so beautiful it steals your breath away and then say it was inspired by you?
I am so touched I don't even know what to do with it.
How does the meaning of meaning make the world change shape? What is beauty? What reaches out and connects a heart to an object? To another person? What inspires? What *resonates*?
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Confessions of the telephone variety
I haven't, as a rule, been much of a phone talker in my life.
Pretty much I have used the phone to make plans, not to chit chat.
It has been a bit of a joke among my friends, actually.
As a result, cell phones, phone bills, phone bill plans, talking plans, long talks and other phone conversation-related factoids are among the things I have an inscrutable naivite about. I don't know why, but historically, phone conversations always kind of made me uncomfortable. Maybe it is because I grew up with a party-line? More likely it is that I can be a bit of an ADD-girl in conversations. I do listen, but my mind makes connections and then I change subjects or wander during conversations in general... this fact is highlighted on the phone. Also, the part where you can't see the facial expressions or read body language makes me feel disconcerted.
Anyway, it doesn't matter because all that is over for me now.
All because I have discovered joy in talking on the phone. Delight, even. A lot of it. With one person in particular, with whom I talk on the phone. A lot.
So here I am, I finally get the telephone.
Which is wonderful. It has opened my eyes to a new delight! I heart these long talks.
I have discovered that late at night when I get sleepy-drifty, it feels as if space kind of folds in on itself like one of those morning glories at twilight ...and sometimes, sometimes it is almost like being right *there*, you know?
Which is wonderful. Awesome, even.
Except for the part where I am totally naive about phones and phone bills and charges. Yep. I knew that perhaps there would be some cost. I learned today, with the arrival of my phone bill, that there is a very hefty charge associated with this new found delight.
This fact makes me feel resentful, and possibly grumbly.
So, my confession of the telephone variety is that now that I have discovered the delight of the telephone, I don't care to give up my new favorite thing!
Hmmm.
Pretty much I have used the phone to make plans, not to chit chat.
It has been a bit of a joke among my friends, actually.
As a result, cell phones, phone bills, phone bill plans, talking plans, long talks and other phone conversation-related factoids are among the things I have an inscrutable naivite about. I don't know why, but historically, phone conversations always kind of made me uncomfortable. Maybe it is because I grew up with a party-line? More likely it is that I can be a bit of an ADD-girl in conversations. I do listen, but my mind makes connections and then I change subjects or wander during conversations in general... this fact is highlighted on the phone. Also, the part where you can't see the facial expressions or read body language makes me feel disconcerted.
Anyway, it doesn't matter because all that is over for me now.
All because I have discovered joy in talking on the phone. Delight, even. A lot of it. With one person in particular, with whom I talk on the phone. A lot.
So here I am, I finally get the telephone.
Which is wonderful. It has opened my eyes to a new delight! I heart these long talks.
I have discovered that late at night when I get sleepy-drifty, it feels as if space kind of folds in on itself like one of those morning glories at twilight ...and sometimes, sometimes it is almost like being right *there*, you know?
Which is wonderful. Awesome, even.
Except for the part where I am totally naive about phones and phone bills and charges. Yep. I knew that perhaps there would be some cost. I learned today, with the arrival of my phone bill, that there is a very hefty charge associated with this new found delight.
This fact makes me feel resentful, and possibly grumbly.
So, my confession of the telephone variety is that now that I have discovered the delight of the telephone, I don't care to give up my new favorite thing!
Hmmm.
Monday, March 31, 2008
When the universe breathes.
The sun was bright and the sky was brilliant blue.
The universe filled her lungs and blew soft intermittent puffs of wind at the trees, kicking the snow off of the branches above in sheets of twinkling, blowing magic.
Saturday was gorgeous. It was just the sort of warm edge-of-winter day that makes hope for spring soar.
I had a shiney weekend, and you?
The universe filled her lungs and blew soft intermittent puffs of wind at the trees, kicking the snow off of the branches above in sheets of twinkling, blowing magic.
Saturday was gorgeous. It was just the sort of warm edge-of-winter day that makes hope for spring soar.
I had a shiney weekend, and you?
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Night Flying
Last night I went night ice-skating with my friends Maria and Julie and their bevy of lesbians. I am not much of an ice skater having only done it a handful of times in my life... but I was feeling stressed out by statistics and the fact that I had to walk away from the house. I am real sad about that, but I just couldn't do it. Anyway, I needed the break and ice skating presented itself. I am so so glad I went! It was gorgeous and fun! The movement is a lot like skating on skis, so I was able to figure out how to move forward briskly (eventually). Not so much on the stopping part, but I didn't fall!
Also, Maria and I took a moment to wax poetic about the evening, as we sometimes do and a poem was born! I am so pleased with it that I am going to share it!
But first, I am going to paint a little background for it. Maria once went on a trip and memorized a poem for me as a gift. It was among the most precious and thoughtful gifts I have ever received and was called Sanderlings http://www.geoffbartley.com/geoff_bartley_026.htm. A gorgeous read (particularly if it is read to you), that I heartily recommend. At any rate, Maria and I were racing across the twinkly twinkly ice discussing the loveliness of the full moon and how graceful Julie is on ice skates and in general. Flying across the ice and musing about the moon with Maria made me think of night flying both in action and in words and a poem was plucked out of the universe whole. Here it is:
Ode to the fullness of the moon,
and the grace of my lover.
Light reflected off her blade
cuts quick;
cuts clean to the heart of me.
Thank you again for the poem Maria! For both of them!
Also, Maria and I took a moment to wax poetic about the evening, as we sometimes do and a poem was born! I am so pleased with it that I am going to share it!
But first, I am going to paint a little background for it. Maria once went on a trip and memorized a poem for me as a gift. It was among the most precious and thoughtful gifts I have ever received and was called Sanderlings http://www.geoffbartley.com/geoff_bartley_026.htm. A gorgeous read (particularly if it is read to you), that I heartily recommend. At any rate, Maria and I were racing across the twinkly twinkly ice discussing the loveliness of the full moon and how graceful Julie is on ice skates and in general. Flying across the ice and musing about the moon with Maria made me think of night flying both in action and in words and a poem was plucked out of the universe whole. Here it is:
Ode to the fullness of the moon,
and the grace of my lover.
Light reflected off her blade
cuts quick;
cuts clean to the heart of me.
Thank you again for the poem Maria! For both of them!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Conundrums and Spring.
Well, poop.
This here is my conundrum, which is not so much a conundrum as a situation. It involves the Housey-house which I made an offer on and want so much. I am in the process of making a decision on this house. The recommendations from the inspector came to about $8k in repairs (!) Plus the old furnace that will need replacing, probably in the next year or two. They've offered me 6k @ closing and I'd need to mortage or come up with the rest. I love the place, but I'm not sure I can swing the extra 2k + furnace. I outbid three other people with my offer and don't think I have anything else left to work with. I have to redo my budget. Again. Possibly thrice. I hope I can make it work... if not, well, then not.
I say that with a resigned sigh because, well... I have been trying to figure out a way to make it work all night and haven't been able to. So, at the moment, I am thinking that the answer is not. Not unless I figure out a way to do it in the next hour. I must decide. Today. By noon.
Plus, finish my statistics midterm which is kicking my ass.
*however*
It is now officially spring, and I cannot do anything but delight in this fact. To celebrate, I went for a nice tromp yesterday evening for about an hour through the park. By the time this dilly-dallier got outside the day's bright sunshine had faded... but this start to spring needed honoring, so I bundled up and walked forward.
On the way I saw some things that made me wish for a camera:
This here is my conundrum, which is not so much a conundrum as a situation. It involves the Housey-house which I made an offer on and want so much. I am in the process of making a decision on this house. The recommendations from the inspector came to about $8k in repairs (!) Plus the old furnace that will need replacing, probably in the next year or two. They've offered me 6k @ closing and I'd need to mortage or come up with the rest. I love the place, but I'm not sure I can swing the extra 2k + furnace. I outbid three other people with my offer and don't think I have anything else left to work with. I have to redo my budget. Again. Possibly thrice. I hope I can make it work... if not, well, then not.
I say that with a resigned sigh because, well... I have been trying to figure out a way to make it work all night and haven't been able to. So, at the moment, I am thinking that the answer is not. Not unless I figure out a way to do it in the next hour. I must decide. Today. By noon.
Plus, finish my statistics midterm which is kicking my ass.
*however*
It is now officially spring, and I cannot do anything but delight in this fact. To celebrate, I went for a nice tromp yesterday evening for about an hour through the park. By the time this dilly-dallier got outside the day's bright sunshine had faded... but this start to spring needed honoring, so I bundled up and walked forward.
On the way I saw some things that made me wish for a camera:
- It was snowing lightly and very cold. The melted water flow from the day's sunshine combined with the quick freeze made these very lava-esque ice flows on the ground that were just beautiful (but quite treacherous to traverse)!
- A handsome young boxer mix with his ear-flap hat wearing human.
- A very long blond branch that had been mostly stripped smooth of its bark. I helped it get fully stripped and then felt inspired to prop it up vertically against the biggest darkest tree trunk I could find. It made a gorgeous contrast and ended up being visible from the departing gates of the poetry garden. It was a very Andrew Goldsworthy moment!
- The pale and tender heads of hopeful snowdrops poking through the ice, yearning toward the sun.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Crimson
Wrapped in damp shades of grey,
the contours of this day
shift and move.
A blending of shape,
without edges or hue.
Behind these eyelids,
the enfusing warmth
of an imagined shoulder
beneath my cheek
is a drop of
saturated color.
Crimson,
expanding slowly
onto moistened paper -
It blossoms;
It spreads;
It becomes.
the contours of this day
shift and move.
A blending of shape,
without edges or hue.
Behind these eyelids,
the enfusing warmth
of an imagined shoulder
beneath my cheek
is a drop of
saturated color.
Crimson,
expanding slowly
onto moistened paper -
It blossoms;
It spreads;
It becomes.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Things To Be Happy About
My surgery went well!
I had it Wednesday which makes it the day before yesterday. I feel fine! I was a real nervous nelly, but everything went fine and I am recovering well. My belly's a little tender and crampy, but the bleeding is less than it has been in months and the cramping is better than it has been for a very long time. Also, I have had a lot of friendly visitors stopping by to bring food and hang out, which is all very sweet and heart warmy. All things to be happy about.
Also, and in other news, I bought a house (hee!). Or, rather, I put an offer in on a house and it was accepted but the inspectors came today and said it needs some things, so I am waiting to get the inspectors report. Let's call it cautious optimism at this point. I'm excited, I really love it! (Yay!) Cautious optimism and potential house ownership = something to be real happy about.
I have pictures of the new place (I sent the link out to some of y'all), but I am not posting them here until cautious optimism makes the transition into "omigod, I need to pack!" I'm just superstitious that way.
Now. It has been midterm break and I have allowed myself to get very distracted by new house/surgery stuff (among other things) ...and I must get back to work! Just wanted to give y'all the exciting news before I ran off to read! School work requires a lot of reading! Statistics will have to wait until tomorrow.
I had it Wednesday which makes it the day before yesterday. I feel fine! I was a real nervous nelly, but everything went fine and I am recovering well. My belly's a little tender and crampy, but the bleeding is less than it has been in months and the cramping is better than it has been for a very long time. Also, I have had a lot of friendly visitors stopping by to bring food and hang out, which is all very sweet and heart warmy. All things to be happy about.
Also, and in other news, I bought a house (hee!). Or, rather, I put an offer in on a house and it was accepted but the inspectors came today and said it needs some things, so I am waiting to get the inspectors report. Let's call it cautious optimism at this point. I'm excited, I really love it! (Yay!) Cautious optimism and potential house ownership = something to be real happy about.
I have pictures of the new place (I sent the link out to some of y'all), but I am not posting them here until cautious optimism makes the transition into "omigod, I need to pack!" I'm just superstitious that way.
Now. It has been midterm break and I have allowed myself to get very distracted by new house/surgery stuff (among other things) ...and I must get back to work! Just wanted to give y'all the exciting news before I ran off to read! School work requires a lot of reading! Statistics will have to wait until tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Snow.
The snow arrived. It sure took its sweet time, but now its here... in bushels. Big, fluffy, white drifts of it piling high on my car and clogging up the roads and sidewalks.
I love the snow. It makes everything quiet.
It is as if it sucks the ambient white noise that titters in the background up, and all that is left is the crunch-squeak of snow underfoot or the swish-thunk of ski cadence and... nothing but sweet, sweet silence.
The silence and smells of snow remind me of my childhood.
I got the dog and took her snow shoeing this evening. While I was running around with her I had a vivid flash-back to my days skiing on the potato field with Robin and Sarah and the Shiffler twins. We'd ski our asses off until the lighted loop was illuminated and our lungs felt raw and tasted of iron -- and then we'd get to the darkened potato field, wide open and filled with that snow-silence. We'd toss ourselves backward into the softness of the snow and prop our skis in the bank so that our feet were resting up in the air and catch our breath and just... be there, looking at the night sky.
There is nothing I have ever seen that comes close to a clear night in Alaska. The air so clean and sweet that it tastes almost of vanilla; stars sharp against the rich prussian-blue velvet of the sky; the aurora borealis slithering and pouring and dancing across the sky. Nothing even comes close.
In other news: I have a terrible cold. Its probably the flu. Let's not think about it. All I know is that I have be coughing and hacking and blowing my nose raw and I haven't been out *moving* for two days and I just couldn't take it any more! Not one more second!! So I put on my red red union suit and bundled up real good and tromped through the snow drifts in and around the park by my house for an hour with the dog. I coughed a lot, but I feel lots less antsy! This is good. I need to read a bunch of articles and I can't seem to concentrate or sit still for it when I am all cooped up.
I want to ski this weekend. Ski and dance and laugh. And I can!
I love the snow. It makes everything quiet.
It is as if it sucks the ambient white noise that titters in the background up, and all that is left is the crunch-squeak of snow underfoot or the swish-thunk of ski cadence and... nothing but sweet, sweet silence.
The silence and smells of snow remind me of my childhood.
I got the dog and took her snow shoeing this evening. While I was running around with her I had a vivid flash-back to my days skiing on the potato field with Robin and Sarah and the Shiffler twins. We'd ski our asses off until the lighted loop was illuminated and our lungs felt raw and tasted of iron -- and then we'd get to the darkened potato field, wide open and filled with that snow-silence. We'd toss ourselves backward into the softness of the snow and prop our skis in the bank so that our feet were resting up in the air and catch our breath and just... be there, looking at the night sky.
There is nothing I have ever seen that comes close to a clear night in Alaska. The air so clean and sweet that it tastes almost of vanilla; stars sharp against the rich prussian-blue velvet of the sky; the aurora borealis slithering and pouring and dancing across the sky. Nothing even comes close.
In other news: I have a terrible cold. Its probably the flu. Let's not think about it. All I know is that I have be coughing and hacking and blowing my nose raw and I haven't been out *moving* for two days and I just couldn't take it any more! Not one more second!! So I put on my red red union suit and bundled up real good and tromped through the snow drifts in and around the park by my house for an hour with the dog. I coughed a lot, but I feel lots less antsy! This is good. I need to read a bunch of articles and I can't seem to concentrate or sit still for it when I am all cooped up.
I want to ski this weekend. Ski and dance and laugh. And I can!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
For the record
Edited to add: *ahem* Welcome to the morbid inner ponderings of my brain:
I got the paperwork for my upcoming surgery this weekend. It's not a big deal, (the surgery). Small benign growth thingy that they'll take out and then it will be gone. Its kinda freaking me out anyway. Eeeee. The paperwork that arrived had lots of advance care directive papers... which got me thinking:
In case the surgery goes tits up (and for the record):
I want to be cremated.
No casket, no stones, just my ashes floating on the wind. I always thought I'd choose the cerque above Landmark Gap Lake since it's the loveliest place in my memory -- but only my Dad knows how to get there and it would involve first a long plane ride, then long car ride, then a canoe trip and then a long hike... plus, only my Dad knows how to get there and we don't talk, so yeah. Chena Hot Springs under the Northern lights was a lovely alternative and only involves a long plane ride and a moderate car ride... plus, bonus, there's a lovely overnight hike from Angel Rocks to Chena Hot Springs that has luscious blueberry fields in the fall. But, I recently heard a friend's tale of scattering ashes in a remote location and it sounded real... well, inconvenient. I'd hate to inconvenience anyone. I'd be satisfied with being planted under a lilac bush. I just want to be outside, really. My only real request would be no viewings, please. The idea of people looking at me all dead and stuff give me the wiggins! As my grandmother once said: There's just no way they'd do my hair right!
In other news, I went for my very first snow shoe trek today... and, ok, it was raining and the snow covering kinda pitiful, but it was outside and involved snow shoes, good conversation, and fresh air... and play time with Ms. Fancy Pants! Plus, afterward we watched Tipping The Velvet, which is always a good time. I heart BBC's lesbian period dramas, oh yes I do!
I got the paperwork for my upcoming surgery this weekend. It's not a big deal, (the surgery). Small benign growth thingy that they'll take out and then it will be gone. Its kinda freaking me out anyway. Eeeee. The paperwork that arrived had lots of advance care directive papers... which got me thinking:
In case the surgery goes tits up (and for the record):
I want to be cremated.
No casket, no stones, just my ashes floating on the wind. I always thought I'd choose the cerque above Landmark Gap Lake since it's the loveliest place in my memory -- but only my Dad knows how to get there and it would involve first a long plane ride, then long car ride, then a canoe trip and then a long hike... plus, only my Dad knows how to get there and we don't talk, so yeah. Chena Hot Springs under the Northern lights was a lovely alternative and only involves a long plane ride and a moderate car ride... plus, bonus, there's a lovely overnight hike from Angel Rocks to Chena Hot Springs that has luscious blueberry fields in the fall. But, I recently heard a friend's tale of scattering ashes in a remote location and it sounded real... well, inconvenient. I'd hate to inconvenience anyone. I'd be satisfied with being planted under a lilac bush. I just want to be outside, really. My only real request would be no viewings, please. The idea of people looking at me all dead and stuff give me the wiggins! As my grandmother once said: There's just no way they'd do my hair right!
In other news, I went for my very first snow shoe trek today... and, ok, it was raining and the snow covering kinda pitiful, but it was outside and involved snow shoes, good conversation, and fresh air... and play time with Ms. Fancy Pants! Plus, afterward we watched Tipping The Velvet, which is always a good time. I heart BBC's lesbian period dramas, oh yes I do!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The Big Apple Pie
I spent the weekend in the Big Apple with my brother and sister and niece. I arrived Thursday night. After getting stuck underground for an hour and a half on the subway due to some sort of problem, I emerged on 42nd street at about 11:30 at night in the middle of a downpour. Here I was in the middle of times Times Square with an 8 block hike to the hotel in the middle of a rainy deluge, suitcase in hand. It was a long walk in the dark... and my phone went kaput either because of the rain or because of trapped-underground trauma. Nevertheless I survived the experience! As ever, Sol was the planner and found great (and cheap) places to eat and a very reasonably priced hotel very close to Times Square.
On Friday we began our morning with breakfast with my old Corpus Mira buddy, Nanette and her son Aiden. Next on the itinerary was a visit to the half priced booth to get tickets for Broadway and a visit to the Statue of Liberty (thanks to Isabella who insisted on taking the ferry out). We went to Ellis Island too -- and we looked up my name sake (but were unable to find Isabella's) :( It was a gorgeous blue sunshiney day. After a breif nap we met up with Laura to celebrate her birthday. It was Laura's 40th birthday and we celebrated at a wonderful little Greek place with my friends Amy and Tim and their cutie chunkamunka daughter Roxy too... the food was delish and the company grand. Mmmm. Food, delish.
Saturday we went to the Museum of Natural History in the morning and met up with Laura in the afternoon to catch Clay Aiken's premier in Spamalot. Personally, I could care less about Clay Aiken (or, as Sol says 'clayken'), but he did a good job and the Monty Python humor was a gas. Laura left after that to begin her long drive home (she had 7 interviews!!!).
Sunday I parted ways with Sol and Isabella in the morning to take my second solo subway ride (yay me) to Brooklyn to meet up with Amy and Tim and Roxy and Amy's little tiny baby sister Laura (not my sister Laura, mind you, Amy's sister Laura), It was a great day! Timiny Tim Tim Taroo made us banana chocolate pancakies with maple syrup and eggies and fresh biscuits for brunch. Mmmm. Roxy entertained us by being her very cute self, and I got Amy's autograph (tee hee). I had this very odd experience on Thursday shortly before I left wherein a member of a list serve I belong to asked if anyone knew of Amy Fix (ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!). It was all very exciting. I'd long given away all the cd's Amy had bequeathed to me to pass on -- so Amy very generously gave me a cd and signed it and *everything*. Then everyone piled into the car for a trip out to an awesome Thai place for dinner (I had three flavored Snapper). Mmmm. Afterward, they gave me a ride to the airport where I was stuck on the runway for an hour or two. I got home around 10:45.
All in all it was a very great time in the Great Big Apple Pie.
On Friday we began our morning with breakfast with my old Corpus Mira buddy, Nanette and her son Aiden. Next on the itinerary was a visit to the half priced booth to get tickets for Broadway and a visit to the Statue of Liberty (thanks to Isabella who insisted on taking the ferry out). We went to Ellis Island too -- and we looked up my name sake (but were unable to find Isabella's) :( It was a gorgeous blue sunshiney day. After a breif nap we met up with Laura to celebrate her birthday. It was Laura's 40th birthday and we celebrated at a wonderful little Greek place with my friends Amy and Tim and their cutie chunkamunka daughter Roxy too... the food was delish and the company grand. Mmmm. Food, delish.
Saturday we went to the Museum of Natural History in the morning and met up with Laura in the afternoon to catch Clay Aiken's premier in Spamalot. Personally, I could care less about Clay Aiken (or, as Sol says 'clayken'), but he did a good job and the Monty Python humor was a gas. Laura left after that to begin her long drive home (she had 7 interviews!!!).
Sunday I parted ways with Sol and Isabella in the morning to take my second solo subway ride (yay me) to Brooklyn to meet up with Amy and Tim and Roxy and Amy's little tiny baby sister Laura (not my sister Laura, mind you, Amy's sister Laura), It was a great day! Timiny Tim Tim Taroo made us banana chocolate pancakies with maple syrup and eggies and fresh biscuits for brunch. Mmmm. Roxy entertained us by being her very cute self, and I got Amy's autograph (tee hee). I had this very odd experience on Thursday shortly before I left wherein a member of a list serve I belong to asked if anyone knew of Amy Fix (ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!). It was all very exciting. I'd long given away all the cd's Amy had bequeathed to me to pass on -- so Amy very generously gave me a cd and signed it and *everything*. Then everyone piled into the car for a trip out to an awesome Thai place for dinner (I had three flavored Snapper). Mmmm. Afterward, they gave me a ride to the airport where I was stuck on the runway for an hour or two. I got home around 10:45.
All in all it was a very great time in the Great Big Apple Pie.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
All For The Love of A Dog
I'm going to try a compromise with the ex wherein we do the dog exchange My Way with minimal contact (i.e. "I'll be there in 10 min" and the dog is all leashed and ready to walk) *and* alternate drop off/pick up *and* when I get the dog I get her for a week or two at a time. This satisfies me and my dog yearning, satisfies my landlord and his apartment-related concerns and satisfies the ex too. She started off caustic and angry -- as she has been in all our exchanges as of late, but I feel like she made a big change by the time we were done talking. We even discussed the possibility of arrangements changing in the future. She agreed that if I buy a house or move to a more dog-friendly house that we could do a change of primary residence. I feel satisfied with this outcome for now. I hope it works. She finally seemed to hear me about my discomfort regarding boundaries and such. So. Compromise. As of today, my landlord *has* said that I can have the dog... so that's always a possibility. My land lord is a very sweet man. He was there when I got home and pet Fancy Pants and then went over what the paper work he was sending asked for... namely her license number and vet name and number, 'just in case'. He seemed impressed that she had a chip. I have never had a land lord that was so thorough and invested in his properties. It's refreshing and nice.
I am still dissappointed and angry with her -- the boundary thing, the lack of discourse and the f**ed up way this whole thing has been handled -- but the fact that my life feels so nice and light these days really is helpful in letting that stuff... go.
I am finally going skiing/snow shoeing tomorrow! I can't wait. I even drove out to Mendon Ponds just to make sure it was snowy enough! There were skiiers out with head lamps knee-driving away through the night and I felt jealous even though tonight was bitterly cold. I hope it warms a bit by tomorrow. I have Fancy Pants with me until next Wednesday and I have lots of time to walk and play and snow shoe with her.
Tonight I walked her and brushed her and clipped her nails and now she is sleeping at my feet making little monkey noises in her dreams.
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