I granulated

This week I made a life goal. I earned my nurse practitioner degree, the day after the 20th anniversary of my 20th birthday. I wanted it for myself. I worked hard for it, on my own, for three years with next to no support. Friends I thought I could count on walked away, jealous or disinterested. There was no partner I could rely on to make me a meal or place a blanket over me when I fell asleep on the couch after typing days on end. I did it. I did it all for me. It is the first time in my life I have done such a wildly selfish thing. I did it because I woke up one day with the cold realization in my heart that if I don't define who I am for myself I will never, ever, be the woman I hope to be. At the end of the day, we all die alone. The only goals we reach worth having are the ones we make for our selves, so I made a decision to reach for what I wanted. I live this life putting one foot ahead of another on this path I forged from thin air and hope. I am proud of myself today. Tomorrow I hit the pavement again looking for work.

"If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.” ~ Audre Lorde