So, anyway...

Updatey-ness.

I decided to go ahead and apply to midwifery school. I have one recommendation lined up and will ask the midwife I am meeting for lunch next week for one a well. I am not sure who to ask the third one for, there are other midwives and I could do that. The one who went to the program I'm applying to lives out of the country now, but we're in touch by email, so I may ask her. It's a kind of wait and see sort of situation.

My co-workers and the midwives I've spoken with are very encouraging. My friends less so. The PhD is what I would be giving up, and I get the encouragement to see it through and love 'em for it. I haven't totally trashed the idea of the PhD yet... I just *want*. I want to try; need to, I think.

On the me front: I have been doing a lot of nurturing lately. Its both easy and difficult. It is easy because it is so organic and comes from my heart. It is difficult because it tests parts of me. I get frustrated at the part of me that tends to do this at the expense of my own feelings. At times, I even find myself wondering if it is healthy for me. I feel bad about that, and I think it is based in fear rather than logic... because the nurturing I'm doing? It is both necessary and worthwhile. I just feel tender? Scared of over-extending myself yet again, of not having enough left over to bounce back or to take care of myself. It seems like a part of me is always waiting for the need to bounce back. Never trusting in the safety net or in being nurtured in return. Its a disease, really and I wonder how it will sneak up to perform sabotage, espionage or decoupage on my psyche next. Oy. I think I'm premenstrual.

That's all for now.