Snow.

The snow arrived. It sure took its sweet time, but now its here... in bushels. Big, fluffy, white drifts of it piling high on my car and clogging up the roads and sidewalks.

I love the snow. It makes everything quiet.

It is as if it sucks the ambient white noise that titters in the background up, and all that is left is the crunch-squeak of snow underfoot or the swish-thunk of ski cadence and... nothing but sweet, sweet silence.

The silence and smells of snow remind me of my childhood.

I got the dog and took her snow shoeing this evening. While I was running around with her I had a vivid flash-back to my days skiing on the potato field with Robin and Sarah and the Shiffler twins. We'd ski our asses off until the lighted loop was illuminated and our lungs felt raw and tasted of iron -- and then we'd get to the darkened potato field, wide open and filled with that snow-silence. We'd toss ourselves backward into the softness of the snow and prop our skis in the bank so that our feet were resting up in the air and catch our breath and just... be there, looking at the night sky.

There is nothing I have ever seen that comes close to a clear night in Alaska. The air so clean and sweet that it tastes almost of vanilla; stars sharp against the rich prussian-blue velvet of the sky; the aurora borealis slithering and pouring and dancing across the sky. Nothing even comes close.

In other news: I have a terrible cold. Its probably the flu. Let's not think about it. All I know is that I have be coughing and hacking and blowing my nose raw and I haven't been out *moving* for two days and I just couldn't take it any more! Not one more second!! So I put on my red red union suit and bundled up real good and tromped through the snow drifts in and around the park by my house for an hour with the dog. I coughed a lot, but I feel lots less antsy! This is good. I need to read a bunch of articles and I can't seem to concentrate or sit still for it when I am all cooped up.

I want to ski this weekend. Ski and dance and laugh. And I can!

For the record

Edited to add: *ahem* Welcome to the morbid inner ponderings of my brain:

I got the paperwork for my upcoming surgery this weekend. It's not a big deal, (the surgery). Small benign growth thingy that they'll take out and then it will be gone. Its kinda freaking me out anyway. Eeeee. The paperwork that arrived had lots of advance care directive papers... which got me thinking:

In case the surgery goes tits up (and for the record):

I want to be cremated.

No casket, no stones, just my ashes floating on the wind. I always thought I'd choose the cerque above Landmark Gap Lake since it's the loveliest place in my memory -- but only my Dad knows how to get there and it would involve first a long plane ride, then long car ride, then a canoe trip and then a long hike... plus, only my Dad knows how to get there and we don't talk, so yeah. Chena Hot Springs under the Northern lights was a lovely alternative and only involves a long plane ride and a moderate car ride... plus, bonus, there's a lovely overnight hike from Angel Rocks to Chena Hot Springs that has luscious blueberry fields in the fall. But, I recently heard a friend's tale of scattering ashes in a remote location and it sounded real... well, inconvenient. I'd hate to inconvenience anyone. I'd be satisfied with being planted under a lilac bush. I just want to be outside, really. My only real request would be no viewings, please. The idea of people looking at me all dead and stuff give me the wiggins! As my grandmother once said: There's just no way they'd do my hair right!

In other news, I went for my very first snow shoe trek today... and, ok, it was raining and the snow covering kinda pitiful, but it was outside and involved snow shoes, good conversation, and fresh air... and play time with Ms. Fancy Pants! Plus, afterward we watched Tipping The Velvet, which is always a good time. I heart BBC's lesbian period dramas, oh yes I do!

The Big Apple Pie

I spent the weekend in the Big Apple with my brother and sister and niece. I arrived Thursday night. After getting stuck underground for an hour and a half on the subway due to some sort of problem, I emerged on 42nd street at about 11:30 at night in the middle of a downpour. Here I was in the middle of times Times Square with an 8 block hike to the hotel in the middle of a rainy deluge, suitcase in hand. It was a long walk in the dark... and my phone went kaput either because of the rain or because of trapped-underground trauma. Nevertheless I survived the experience! As ever, Sol was the planner and found great (and cheap) places to eat and a very reasonably priced hotel very close to Times Square.

On Friday we began our morning with breakfast with my old Corpus Mira buddy, Nanette and her son Aiden. Next on the itinerary was a visit to the half priced booth to get tickets for Broadway and a visit to the Statue of Liberty (thanks to Isabella who insisted on taking the ferry out). We went to Ellis Island too -- and we looked up my name sake (but were unable to find Isabella's) :( It was a gorgeous blue sunshiney day. After a breif nap we met up with Laura to celebrate her birthday. It was Laura's 40th birthday and we celebrated at a wonderful little Greek place with my friends Amy and Tim and their cutie chunkamunka daughter Roxy too... the food was delish and the company grand. Mmmm. Food, delish.

Saturday we went to the Museum of Natural History in the morning and met up with Laura in the afternoon to catch Clay Aiken's premier in Spamalot. Personally, I could care less about Clay Aiken (or, as Sol says 'clayken'), but he did a good job and the Monty Python humor was a gas. Laura left after that to begin her long drive home (she had 7 interviews!!!).

Sunday I parted ways with Sol and Isabella in the morning to take my second solo subway ride (yay me) to Brooklyn to meet up with Amy and Tim and Roxy and Amy's little tiny baby sister Laura (not my sister Laura, mind you, Amy's sister Laura), It was a great day! Timiny Tim Tim Taroo made us banana chocolate pancakies with maple syrup and eggies and fresh biscuits for brunch. Mmmm. Roxy entertained us by being her very cute self, and I got Amy's autograph (tee hee). I had this very odd experience on Thursday shortly before I left wherein a member of a list serve I belong to asked if anyone knew of Amy Fix (ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!). It was all very exciting. I'd long given away all the cd's Amy had bequeathed to me to pass on -- so Amy very generously gave me a cd and signed it and *everything*. Then everyone piled into the car for a trip out to an awesome Thai place for dinner (I had three flavored Snapper). Mmmm. Afterward, they gave me a ride to the airport where I was stuck on the runway for an hour or two. I got home around 10:45.

All in all it was a very great time in the Great Big Apple Pie.

All For The Love of A Dog

I'm going to try a compromise with the ex wherein we do the dog exchange My Way with minimal contact (i.e. "I'll be there in 10 min" and the dog is all leashed and ready to walk) *and* alternate drop off/pick up *and* when I get the dog I get her for a week or two at a time. This satisfies me and my dog yearning, satisfies my landlord and his apartment-related concerns and satisfies the ex too. She started off caustic and angry -- as she has been in all our exchanges as of late, but I feel like she made a big change by the time we were done talking. We even discussed the possibility of arrangements changing in the future. She agreed that if I buy a house or move to a more dog-friendly house that we could do a change of primary residence. I feel satisfied with this outcome for now. I hope it works. She finally seemed to hear me about my discomfort regarding boundaries and such. So. Compromise. As of today, my landlord *has* said that I can have the dog... so that's always a possibility. My land lord is a very sweet man. He was there when I got home and pet Fancy Pants and then went over what the paper work he was sending asked for... namely her license number and vet name and number, 'just in case'. He seemed impressed that she had a chip. I have never had a land lord that was so thorough and invested in his properties. It's refreshing and nice.

I am still dissappointed and angry with her -- the boundary thing, the lack of discourse and the f**ed up way this whole thing has been handled -- but the fact that my life feels so nice and light these days really is helpful in letting that stuff... go.

I am finally going skiing/snow shoeing tomorrow! I can't wait. I even drove out to Mendon Ponds just to make sure it was snowy enough! There were skiiers out with head lamps knee-driving away through the night and I felt jealous even though tonight was bitterly cold. I hope it warms a bit by tomorrow. I have Fancy Pants with me until next Wednesday and I have lots of time to walk and play and snow shoe with her.

Tonight I walked her and brushed her and clipped her nails and now she is sleeping at my feet making little monkey noises in her dreams.

On the Housitting, Dog and Art Front

On the dog front: My land lord wants to meet with me this weekend.  I think it is about the dog.  What else could it be about?  Apparently he can't just tell me over the phone or by email -- which makes me think that (a) He is going to say yes.  They say it is easier to say 'no' by email and (b) He is going to charge something I cannot afford.  They say that it is easier to get someone to agree to spend money in person.  *sigh*

My issue is contemplating what, exactly, I can afford.  I need to get out my budget again.  I hate getting out my budget again.  Oy.

I need to do that today, and decide how I will proceed if I cannot afford it.  I guess I'll move when the lease is up and try to get Fancy Pants then.  

On the housesitting front: In the mean time, I continue to house sit for Scout and Scully.  Scout is doing better.  The pumpkin really seemed to help with the constipation, so I am not so worried about trying to reduce the medications.  I was worried for a while.  Not any more.  Good girl Scouty.

I have done numerous sketches and painted some water colors of both Scout and Scully while I have been here.   

Which brings me to the art front: I ran into EL at DSW the other day.  She is an artist I admire.  We shared studio space for a short time and she was on my thesis committee.  I have been out of touch with her for years. I feel ashamed when I see folks from my Art (note the capital 'A') background.  She told me to stop by her studio some time, which I did this week.  Of course she didn't really mean it, and she wasn't there... but her glass shop has really come into its own. It is is *gorgeous* and I am uber jealous and want to take a glass blowing class there.  I am proud of her for making such an amazing thing out of nothing.  I suspect she hoped I would revamp her logo for her, which I would, if she meant it and were there.  I continue to feel small about my own career path.  I know that nursing is right for me - it *feels* right... but the disappointments that my father feels in me "giving up" art, combined with the "quitter" feelings I have just... when I see someone like that who I admire and like who is making a career of their art?  It makes me feel sad and small and ashamed.  Which is just... dumb.

There is no cure for that except to let it go.  Plus, make stuff.  

Speaking of making stuff.  I need supplies.

I need to replenish some colors in my watercolor kit, need some paper, maybe a new brush or two.  I think I shall compile a list:

• Prussian Blue
  
• Yellow Ochre
  
• A nice orangy-red like Cadmium Red Deep I think (I want to look)
  
• I also need a lighter yellow
  
• A new tube of Sap Green
  
• Red Madder Alizarin (sp.) but I don't know if it is made any more.  I haven't been exactly looking lately, but I haven't been able to find a tube for years.
• Some more watercolor paper.  I especially like the little blocks. They're a handy size and they dry flat. I'd like to get some cold pressed rough textured paper this time too
• More of that origami paper I was using in those collages last year
• Some more tracing paper
• Maybe another brush or two.  My larger brush is starting to lose its point.

I think that today, after I enter data for my professor for an hour or two, I will do my budget and maybe do some art supply shopping -- if I have the money.

Wishing For A Snowy Day

I got snow shoes from Amy and Erin for the holidays!  It made me squeal out loud.  Like a girl.  I am so excited and keep watching the ground waiting for just a little more snow. I work tomorrow, but it is supposed to snow all weekend and I have the weekend off!!

Heeeeere snowflake, snowflake, snowflake!

Mollyday Ponderings

This year I am doing Orphan Christmas with Maria and her bevy of lesbians. I am glad to have Maria back and relieved, that in the end, me taking a break from the friendship was the right thing to do. I think we both get it now. It took a lot of faith and a willingness to lose something. I am rarely willing to risk losing something. I think there is a lesson there for me.

I didn't do gifts this holiday season. I just... couldn't. I found some things in my journeys that were meant for specific folk, but I didn't go Christmas or Hanukkah shopping. I pondered ways to keep my dog. I made delightful pastries -- these pear-filled bite-sized puff pastry concoctions and, what ended up looking like a very 'rustic' version of Ellen's Apple Tart from the Silver Palate. I usually make it in a small skillet but I doubled the recipe and it had a hard time holding its shape. I am sure it will still taste good, but the smaller version is more gorgeous.

I'm house sitting for my friends and their aging bevy of pets. Same friends I stayed with this summer. I have known those guys and the pet menagerie for a long time now, and it makes me pause seeing them so delicate. They are not my pets, but I am their primary house sitter and I enjoy having them in my life.

Walking Away

It is no secret that I am loath to let go of those close to my heart. I'll fight to keep a loved one, even if it hurts; even if it is hard for me; even if it is unhealthy... even if it is personally humiliating. It is a major character flaw, one that I have been working on. Hard. Over the past few years I have been learning, slowly and with a lot of pain and difficulty. It has been a rough learning curve for me -- but I have emerged with some faith in my ability to walk away.

I got a phone call today from the ex.

I should clarify... I have asked for no communication. I don't know for how long... maybe a year, maybe forever. Which she should honor... having asked it of an ex of hers before. But, she doesn't or won't. It doesn't matter.

I also told her I wanted the dog. I hoped she would be gracious about it... she has always said I should take the dog. I should have known better. Again, it doesn't matter.

She wants to know when I will have the dog. She says I am "full of shit" because I said she made it hard for me to see the dog. She yells and blusters. Again, it doesn't matter.

I made a simple request that she ignored. Because the question could not wait. Not even a day. I should not have picked up the phone. I have learned my lesson on that front. I also haven't heard from the landlord yet on the dog front. I called him. I had hoped for a response by yesterday -- He said he'd give it some thought and get back to me in a few days. This is the best answer I can give. She does not like it, but it is all I have.

Maybe he'll say yes -- I hope he will. Maybe he won't. Either way I have faith. I have faith in my ability to set clear boundaries; I have faith in my ability to make to changes in the interactions I will allow. Mostly, I have deep faith in my ability to walk away.

Dog and Education Thoughts

I only have my dog for a short time... so I have been exploring a lot.

See, the thing is I *love* this dog. She teaches me things, we have a good time together and she gets me out exploring the neighborhood. I have a gorgeous park right in my backyard and am too much of a ninny to explore with out a dog by my side. No one bothers you if you have a dog! It’s awesome. Plus, she's great with people and will be well behaved and sit or lay down if nervous kids or around and stuff like that. She's not that good with dogs, but I am trying real hard to train her! *oy*. I took her cross-country skiing yesterday and we had a blast!

I only have her for a short time because I have decided that I simply cannot have the ex in my life now. There's a weirdness of boundaries around the dog, it involves keys to her house and seeing her and 'hanging out' every time we make a dog exchange. Also, I am basically deeply disgusted (re: aforementioned lack of boundaries) with the ex at the moment and would like to have the power to make sure I don't see her... if I have the dog I can work out exchanges that are non-visiting exchanges. Drop off/pick up sort of things that wouldn't involve weird boundary violations. The thing is, also, that somewhere in there I stopped believing that she was the best one of us to have the dog, and I want custody now. Fancy Pants has really excelled as an only dog. She needs it and the ex and I had agreed on that... but the ex is kind of an animal collector. She loves them, and I get that... and she's not a bad pet owner or anything, but she's gotten another cat and another dog and Fancy Pants is my dog and I want what's best for her.

So. I asked my landlord if I could keep her full time. The ex has always magnanimously claimed that I can have the dog whenever I want. I hope she meant it, and I hope, hope, hope he says yes! It will mean a lot more consciousness about my day to day planning - got to make sure I let the dog out and walk her and exercise her enough. I think it will be good for me too -- and my downstairs neighbor has a dog so I do have some hope!

ALSO

I speak with my advisor about possibly switching into the plain Nurse Practitioner program today. I am nervous. I hope he can give me some good advice. I have decided that I will just tell him my honest thoughts and see what he has to say.

Rediscovering Feminism

I am beginning a blog. It starts like this:

I rediscovered my feminism in a discussion over peanut butter and apple slices today. When did we stop realizing that society is silencing a whole gender by not hearing them? At work it is my job to comfort women in pain. It is what I do; it is what I am good at. It is my calling. Today I realized that when a woman screams in pain that it is a *feminist* issue. Today there was only me, and in that moment I became the saver and the saved.