My feelings got hurted.

Can I trade in my girly tender feelings for some f*cking suspenders or a bendy straw or something utilitarian that could *help* me in my life every little once in a while!?

Ugh.

Are you going to a ball, are you going to a party...

Fancy Pants?

Lyrics and music credit: Awesome Kelly

It makes me giggle.

Fancy Pants is, yet again, the subject of a song. Can anyone be blamed for the fact that her cuteness inspires music? I blame Pants. She *is* the cutiest, after all.

The sun is shining. I desire to walk in it; to open my gait and let myself relax into the swing of legs from hip. My back has been begging for walking. Sore and strained it yearns for it, and I must listen and answer.

This evening. This evening I shall take Fancy Pants.

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Later in the evening, the errant blogger returns!

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I met some friends tonight to watch Shakespeare in the park. It's free and they put it on walking distance from my house (and the weather was fab)! Unfortunately one of the microphones on the characters went kerplewey midway through the first act. Incidentally, the play was As You Like It. Kerplewey microphone belonged to Orlando ...so the whole play got confusing. I was lost anyway, but maybe it was just me. Don't think so though, 'cos we all left during intermission and went to my house and then on a night hike!

I heart me a good night hike and tonight did not dissapoint.

It was gorgeous and clear and temperate with a nearly full moon and a clear sky - just windy enough so the bugs didn't bite but warm enough to walk in shorts and a t-shirt. We went to the park and through the woods how I like to go, and then up into the Colgate Divinity School campus.

They have a hill there where you can see the tree line and the sky all wide and unfolding against the edges of the universe. I like to imagine contemplative monks or nuns taking in the night sky with wonder, just like I do.

It's the second time I've been to that spot this summer. The place always seems a little magic and a little lonely to me. It was lovely to see the view again. While my friends snuck off to find a divine corner to spoon in, I laid there and pet my dog and watched the sky, stark and clear and somehow both large and small and together and alone all at once. I imagined the unfolding of the universe and wondered what lies in store for me? Where are my feet are leading me these days? What will unfold?

I didn't arrive at any answers, but I could swear the lady in the moon winked at me.

Moving soil

I spent Sunday with my hands in the earth. It felt good, although it was someone else's garden. As I toiled -- sun shining, hands in the dirt, pulling weeds, sweating and moving soil -- I missed my old garden deeply. That hole pops up now and again, murky and deep and filled with a quiet ferocity.

There were three bright green, red-eyed grasshoppers hiding on a leaf in the garden. They appeared as if they had absorbed the sun and were illuminated from within. Translucent and glowing, they held the points of their protective triangle against the world. Their tiny delicate green bodies marked with thin red racing stripes and wide red oval-eyes that held secrets, secrets my heart longs for.

Tell me little green grasshopper. Tell me the secret of absorbing the rays of sun and glowing from within?

So, anyway...

Updatey-ness.

I decided to go ahead and apply to midwifery school. I have one recommendation lined up and will ask the midwife I am meeting for lunch next week for one a well. I am not sure who to ask the third one for, there are other midwives and I could do that. The one who went to the program I'm applying to lives out of the country now, but we're in touch by email, so I may ask her. It's a kind of wait and see sort of situation.

My co-workers and the midwives I've spoken with are very encouraging. My friends less so. The PhD is what I would be giving up, and I get the encouragement to see it through and love 'em for it. I haven't totally trashed the idea of the PhD yet... I just *want*. I want to try; need to, I think.

On the me front: I have been doing a lot of nurturing lately. Its both easy and difficult. It is easy because it is so organic and comes from my heart. It is difficult because it tests parts of me. I get frustrated at the part of me that tends to do this at the expense of my own feelings. At times, I even find myself wondering if it is healthy for me. I feel bad about that, and I think it is based in fear rather than logic... because the nurturing I'm doing? It is both necessary and worthwhile. I just feel tender? Scared of over-extending myself yet again, of not having enough left over to bounce back or to take care of myself. It seems like a part of me is always waiting for the need to bounce back. Never trusting in the safety net or in being nurtured in return. Its a disease, really and I wonder how it will sneak up to perform sabotage, espionage or decoupage on my psyche next. Oy. I think I'm premenstrual.

That's all for now.

Heat

It's been hot. My brain melted.

Heat

Has a weight and shape
Humid and unrepentant
She runs her hot hands down my
Sweat-slicked sides
Slips and grabs and growls
Hot breath on the back of my neck.
Heavy-lidded she flutters
On the ceiling next to the fan
Blowing and gathering
To watching the small trickle of
Sweat emerge from under my breast
To memorize its meandering path
To the sheets.

Summer sky, lilac and birthday update.

May started cool and rainy and took a long time warming. Recently, I have felt summer begin to sing to me. The night sky in the summer always seems to fill me with a sense of being a part of things. I had that feeling the other night. On this particular night, the sky was filled with stars and stolen kisses, the light of a loan firefly and the occasional passing car. The air was warm enough for shorts and cool enough for leaning and filled with the soft sounds of friends gathering to build a fire -- bellies filled with laughter and tandori chicken kabobs, slowly kooked over the fire with love.

Also. I am a bad, bad blogger. I have not updated y'all about my birthday or life in general in a while now. I forget, sometimes that people read this thing.

Eeep.

My birthday was both amazing and wonderful (and I am sorry I didn't write to update folks about it earlier). Kelly came! I ate Alaskan king salmon! The sun shone the whole day and I felt very peaceful and generally happy despite having been so disappointed-y earlier. I made plans to go to Maria's for dinner and grill, walked in the park and at sometime in the afternoon a certain surprising, enterprising and very dear woman surprised me by calling to tell me that she was coming to visit after all! The trip was monumental in that it required a 5 hour drive each way, it took place *immediately* following her last final exam in a grueling week of final exams *and* she was only able to stay for 24 hours. Needless to say, I was surprised and delighted (and very thrilled) that she was able to come and it totally totally made my day. Kelly arrived around 6:30pm and then we went over to Maria's. Maria let me grill on her Webber grill (!). We had fresh caught Alaskan king salmon with a lemon, dill and brown sugar glaze, grilled red and yellow peppers, salad and maria made a citrus-berry mousse. I made some sugar and apple brandy coated strawberries for the top of a store-bought cheese cake (which I forsook for Maria's amazing dessert). We used the strawberries on top of the mousse. It was fantastic! The rest of the 24 hours was also fantastic and very memorable, but the only thing that I recall about that is blog-able is a walk through the flower-heavy and fragrant lilac blossoms in the park. The lilacs were amazing this year - full and heavy and all blooming at once. The park is amazing when the lilacs are in bloom and it feels like the sort of place one might come across a silver unicorn named Indigo nibbling lilacs under the moon.

Also. I spent a lot of this month contemplating school. I have decided to apply to midwifery school. It is a shot to do the kind of care I want, and it is an option I feel I need to give myself. I am not sure yet what I will decide, but life is short and I want to provide health care for women and while I am here walking in my own skin, I think that maybe, maybe I deserve to reach toward something I really want.

I have more to update about this month... and I shall (I swear it!). For now, though, time is running thin and I must run.

Snatch it back and hold it.

My sister visited for about 14 hours. It was good to see her. She was on her way to NYC but the visit was a flash. We did get to see the Lilac Festival and it was lovely! She seemed to enjoy it! All the lilacs were in burgeoning beautiful bountiful bloom! Her favorites were the white buttery-smelling ones. I prefer the dark almost reddish purple ones.

Update on the back: I got a massage Saturday from Jill. It was a total godsend! I feel a million bajillion times better! Also, I had a doctor's appointment this morning and was cleared to go back to work, so spent my first half-day back. I did fine, my back did fine and I got to get back in the swing of things. Yay!

In other news:

I learned yesterday that my birthday plans fell through. I was all hopped-up on the anticipation and the news caught me in the gut.I proceeded, forthwith, to drop into the Depths of Despair. I did Anne of Green Gables proud, I tell you what. I have since decided that's just dumb. It can't be helped and moping over things that can't be helped is just dumb. I therefore decided that I should totally not mope and instead make other plans. It's the gosh darn day I was born! Holy chocolate cheese cake batman, I'm pretty fond of the fact that I exist! I think I ought to celebrate it.

I went for a walk today in Mt. Hope Cemetery and the pink dogwoods are in bloom and the fountain is on for the Lilac Festival and it is so lovely and picturesque! It occurred to me during my walk that *this* is what I can do tomorrow! I am totally going to pack a picnic lunch and bring my sketch book and tromp around lookin' at all the old back-woods parts of the cemetery. Oh! And I can go to the Elwanger Barry Gardens!!! I haven't done that this year yet and I always love it and they always open it for the festival. Yay! I'd forgotten about that. And, if it rains too much I shall take myself to the butterfly garden or the conservatory (or both, why not? It's my birthday!). At any rate, it will be a luxurious day and afterward I will shop for something fresh and delicious and will cook a decadent dinner on Maria's grill and it is going to be a lovely day. I decided.

Anyone want to come over for cake? I am thinking that I may make a run to Cheesie Eddies. Just sayin'.


Edited to update info, correct spelling, attitude adjust, putter and generally word-smith.

Welcome, spring.

Welcome, spring --
Glorious, green and new.
Welcome soft rain on new grass;
On flowing places
shadowed and quiet and just beginning.
I know you,
welcome home.

I made a new poem. Its becoming a thing.

I love this time of year -- tulips and daffodils and hyacinth bobbing their spring-bulb heads in the soft afternoon rain. Grass is green and starting to grow crazy-like. It gets ahead of the urban grass-trimmers this time of year. I think maybe it is because it is often raining in the afternoon when they get home from their 9-5 work day or maybe it is just because it just grows so fast this time of year? Anyway, it is wild and new and floppy-haphazard. It pleases me to see the crazy little things that pop up in the midst of the grass-forest -- random grape hyacinth and lily of the valley and crocus making their grand escape from the garden . Be free little spring bulbs, be free!

I live right around the corner from Highland Park in my current little apartment. My landlord is raising the rent and I am poor, so it may not be my current abode for long, but for the time being I am right around the corner! I walk there often, usually daily, though not this week*. It has been wonderful seeing the seasons turn from deep winter, white and crisp, to burgeoning spring ripe with pregnant buds of flowers soon-to-bloom. Right now, the lilacs are fat and ready to burst open, just in time for the Lilac Festival. For those of you unfamiliar, the Lilac Festival takes place every year in Highland Park, which is home to a huge assortment of gorgeous Lilacs. I think (though I may be wrong, the facts must be corroborated), over 1000 Lilac Bushes are planted there. It takes place during two weeks in May and it starts this Friday. I haven't traditionally been a huge Lilac Festival goer, but as I live around the corner I think I'll pop in to hear some music now and again.

Spring brings me wonderful packages in the form of blooming things, slow walks and sweet smells and quiet moments... and this year, visitors:

• The first visitor arrives this weekend. On Saturday night, my sister arrives from Chicago for a short visit on her way to New York City. In case you were wondering, I hold my super-fabu-great-o-rama big sister in unconditional positive regard. She's great (she's a costume designer, makes her own line of jewelery with nuts and bolts and gears, can write with her toes and has a lovely singing voice)! She's sweet (she used to sing me to sleep at night when I was a wee thing)! She's brave (she is picking up her life in LA and traveling out west to make a more fulfilling career for herself)! Plus, she's my sister!
• The second visitor is not so much a visitor as a much anticipated arrival. On Tuesday evening, which is my birthday (thats 5/13, folks), Awesome Kelly arrives in Rochester! Yes, it is true. On the evening of the day of my birth, after finishing the world's most arduous two weeks of test/final/school/life intensity that morning, she'll be making the 5 hour drive to Rochester. Which is just sweet and, I am beginning to realize, typical of her. I am gushing a lot today about spring and people I hold in positive regard but I can't help it. What time is it? It is springtime and the flowers are blooming! ...and, in case the name didn't clue you in, I am of the ardent personal opinion that Awesome Kelly is, well, awesome. I can't even begin to say how pleased and excited I am about her arrival! I might pop from excitement! ...Well, I might.
  

In other news:

• *I have f-ed up my back. I did it at work, slipped on ice chips. It sucks and I am feeling restless and overtired 'cos it hurts and makes it so I can't be as active as I like and it keeps me awake at night. Soon. It will get better soon. I have hikes and expeditions and positions I'd like to explore. So yeah. Sooner is better.
• I am *also* in the middle of working on my Statistics final, which I hope *not* to flunk. I think I am missing the statistics synapse in my brain. I really do. I look at it and my head goes all fuzzy. Maybe it's just panic clouding my thoughts. I dunno. I finished the first two questions, so there's that.
  
• I have made the decision to finish out this year with the MS/PhD program. I promised myself a year, which will be complete as of this summer. I am seriously considering alternate options for my career trajectory. I'll write more about that another day when I have more solidness under my feet.

And that, as they say, is that.

Shadow Places

Welcome back to the inner ponderings of my mind.

Deep thoughts, by me:

There was a time when I felt like I was in a shadow place most of the time; that I lived there and was becoming pasty and golem-like. It was dark in there, dank and hard to see. I cracked my shin (painfully) on truth and lie alike, more than once... and more than once I felt in my heart that I was a walking bruise as a result. This is the shadow place. In case you were wondering, it is not a good place to hang out

The thing is, everybody has this place. The question is do you live there or do you navigate it with purpose or do you deny it? There is no escaping it, because it just *is*. You cannot protect yourself from it. Because, see, shadows serve a purpose. They *are* protection... they offer cool respite from the noon-day sun, they protect us from its rays when it gets too intense and they describe the denseness and opacity of the shape of an object when we cannot see the object itself.

So. What does one *do* with one's shadow place?

For me, for me... I have learned to pause when I find myself there; to think first of protection and safety. Then, I illuminate. Because, see, shadows are cast in sharpest relief in the brightest light. When things are nebulous and undefined and hard to grasp, it is the edges that show me the shape and depth of the shadow. So I look for the edges of things. Edges speak to me. They tell me where things begin and end... and in the absence of knowing, define in some small way, the scope of what is contained within. Because see, it's *my* shadow place. It may have hard things in it that bruise me, but I don't have to whisper or tiptoe around them. I can turn on the hip-hop, open the windows, sweep up the dust bunnies, pull out the old credenza, climb on top and dance (just a little bit, just for myself ).

Artic Tern

Photography credit: Wikipedia


I made this while contemplating existentialism (and that one sanderling poem and a song my family used to sing on road trips ...and my father). I have this paper I should be writing but apparently I feel moved to write poetry instead.

Arctic Tern
Over the Gulkana River
the Arctic Tern dips the sharp edge of her wing
and rides the vortex of the wind,
slicing perfect circles out of the sky.
She is making windows to the cosmos
for the spawning salmon below.
Proud and dying, they struggle upstream
shedding eggs and rose colored flesh
as she dances with the midnight sun.

Edited to add a picture of an Arctic Tern and 'cos I thought of a better ending, how I do.