Artic Tern

Photography credit: Wikipedia


I made this while contemplating existentialism (and that one sanderling poem and a song my family used to sing on road trips ...and my father). I have this paper I should be writing but apparently I feel moved to write poetry instead.

Arctic Tern
Over the Gulkana River
the Arctic Tern dips the sharp edge of her wing
and rides the vortex of the wind,
slicing perfect circles out of the sky.
She is making windows to the cosmos
for the spawning salmon below.
Proud and dying, they struggle upstream
shedding eggs and rose colored flesh
as she dances with the midnight sun.

Edited to add a picture of an Arctic Tern and 'cos I thought of a better ending, how I do.

Truth and Beauty

Photography, artistic and general brilliance credit: Awesome Kelly.

Do you see this?

*This* is beautiful to me.

It is beautiful in vision and execution and intent.

It is so beautiful it makes me want to cry.

I look at it and it feels like the weight of these stones is connecting the cosmos to the core of the center of the earth.

It looks like truth feels to me; like centered solidness in the midst of an impossible balancing act.

It dances.

It plays with the idea of symmetry and the orange late day sun.

Ever have someone make something so beautiful it steals your breath away and then say it was inspired by you?

I am so touched I don't even know what to do with it.

How does the meaning of meaning make the world change shape? What is beauty? What reaches out and connects a heart to an object? To another person? What inspires? What *resonates*?

Confessions of the telephone variety

I haven't, as a rule, been much of a phone talker in my life.

Pretty much I have used the phone to make plans, not to chit chat.

It has been a bit of a joke among my friends, actually.

As a result, cell phones, phone bills, phone bill plans, talking plans, long talks and other phone conversation-related factoids are among the things I have an inscrutable naivite about. I don't know why, but historically, phone conversations always kind of made me uncomfortable. Maybe it is because I grew up with a party-line? More likely it is that I can be a bit of an ADD-girl in conversations. I do listen, but my mind makes connections and then I change subjects or wander during conversations in general... this fact is highlighted on the phone. Also, the part where you can't see the facial expressions or read body language makes me feel disconcerted.

Anyway, it doesn't matter because all that is over for me now.

All because I have discovered joy in talking on the phone. Delight, even. A lot of it. With one person in particular, with whom I talk on the phone. A lot.

So here I am, I finally get the telephone.

Which is wonderful. It has opened my eyes to a new delight! I heart these long talks.

I have discovered that late at night when I get sleepy-drifty, it feels as if space kind of folds in on itself like one of those morning glories at twilight ...and sometimes, sometimes it is almost like being right *there*, you know?

Which is wonderful. Awesome, even.

Except for the part where I am totally naive about phones and phone bills and charges. Yep. I knew that perhaps there would be some cost. I learned today, with the arrival of my phone bill, that there is a very hefty charge associated with this new found delight.

This fact makes me feel resentful, and possibly grumbly.

So, my confession of the telephone variety is that now that I have discovered the delight of the telephone, I don't care to give up my new favorite thing!

Hmmm.

When the universe breathes.

The sun was bright and the sky was brilliant blue.

The universe filled her lungs and blew soft intermittent puffs of wind at the trees, kicking the snow off of the branches above in sheets of twinkling, blowing magic.

Saturday was gorgeous. It was just the sort of warm edge-of-winter day that makes hope for spring soar.

I had a shiney weekend, and you?

Night Flying

Last night I went night ice-skating with my friends Maria and Julie and their bevy of lesbians. I am not much of an ice skater having only done it a handful of times in my life... but I was feeling stressed out by statistics and the fact that I had to walk away from the house. I am real sad about that, but I just couldn't do it. Anyway, I needed the break and ice skating presented itself. I am so so glad I went! It was gorgeous and fun! The movement is a lot like skating on skis, so I was able to figure out how to move forward briskly (eventually). Not so much on the stopping part, but I didn't fall!

Also, Maria and I took a moment to wax poetic about the evening, as we sometimes do and a poem was born! I am so pleased with it that I am going to share it!

But first, I am going to paint a little background for it. Maria once went on a trip and memorized a poem for me as a gift. It was among the most precious and thoughtful gifts I have ever received and was called Sanderlings http://www.geoffbartley.com/geoff_bartley_026.htm. A gorgeous read (particularly if it is read to you), that I heartily recommend. At any rate, Maria and I were racing across the twinkly twinkly ice discussing the loveliness of the full moon and how graceful Julie is on ice skates and in general. Flying across the ice and musing about the moon with Maria made me think of night flying both in action and in words and a poem was plucked out of the universe whole. Here it is:

Ode to the fullness of the moon,
and the grace of my lover.
Light reflected off her blade
cuts quick;
cuts clean to the heart of me.

Thank you again for the poem Maria! For both of them!

Conundrums and Spring.

Well, poop.

This here is my conundrum, which is not so much a conundrum as a situation. It involves the Housey-house which I made an offer on and want so much. I am in the process of making a decision on this house. The recommendations from the inspector came to about $8k in repairs (!) Plus the old furnace that will need replacing, probably in the next year or two. They've offered me 6k @ closing and I'd need to mortage or come up with the rest. I love the place, but I'm not sure I can swing the extra 2k + furnace. I outbid three other people with my offer and don't think I have anything else left to work with. I have to redo my budget. Again. Possibly thrice. I hope I can make it work... if not, well, then not.

I say that with a resigned sigh because, well... I have been trying to figure out a way to make it work all night and haven't been able to. So, at the moment, I am thinking that the answer is not. Not unless I figure out a way to do it in the next hour. I must decide. Today. By noon.

Plus, finish my statistics midterm which is kicking my ass.

*however*

It is now officially spring, and I cannot do anything but delight in this fact. To celebrate, I went for a nice tromp yesterday evening for about an hour through the park. By the time this dilly-dallier got outside the day's bright sunshine had faded... but this start to spring needed honoring, so I bundled up and walked forward.

On the way I saw some things that made me wish for a camera:

• It was snowing lightly and very cold. The melted water flow from the day's sunshine combined with the quick freeze made these very lava-esque ice flows on the ground that were just beautiful (but quite treacherous to traverse)!
  
• A handsome young boxer mix with his ear-flap hat wearing human.
• A very long blond branch that had been mostly stripped smooth of its bark. I helped it get fully stripped and then felt inspired to prop it up vertically against the biggest darkest tree trunk I could find. It made a gorgeous contrast and ended up being visible from the departing gates of the poetry garden. It was a very Andrew Goldsworthy moment!
  
• The pale and tender heads of hopeful snowdrops poking through the ice, yearning toward the sun.

Happy spring, y'all

Crimson

Wrapped in damp shades of grey,
the contours of this day
shift and move.

A blending of shape,
without edges or hue.

Behind these eyelids,
the enfusing warmth
of an imagined shoulder
beneath my cheek
is a drop of
saturated color.

Crimson,
expanding slowly
onto moistened paper -

It blossoms;
It spreads;
It becomes.

Things To Be Happy About

My surgery went well!

I had it Wednesday which makes it the day before yesterday. I feel fine! I was a real nervous nelly, but everything went fine and I am recovering well. My belly's a little tender and crampy, but the bleeding is less than it has been in months and the cramping is better than it has been for a very long time. Also, I have had a lot of friendly visitors stopping by to bring food and hang out, which is all very sweet and heart warmy. All things to be happy about.

Also, and in other news, I bought a house (hee!). Or, rather, I put an offer in on a house and it was accepted but the inspectors came today and said it needs some things, so I am waiting to get the inspectors report. Let's call it cautious optimism at this point. I'm excited, I really love it! (Yay!) Cautious optimism and potential house ownership = something to be real happy about.

I have pictures of the new place (I sent the link out to some of y'all), but I am not posting them here until cautious optimism makes the transition into "omigod, I need to pack!" I'm just superstitious that way.

Now. It has been midterm break and I have allowed myself to get very distracted by new house/surgery stuff (among other things) ...and I must get back to work! Just wanted to give y'all the exciting news before I ran off to read! School work requires a lot of reading! Statistics will have to wait until tomorrow.

Snow.

The snow arrived. It sure took its sweet time, but now its here... in bushels. Big, fluffy, white drifts of it piling high on my car and clogging up the roads and sidewalks.

I love the snow. It makes everything quiet.

It is as if it sucks the ambient white noise that titters in the background up, and all that is left is the crunch-squeak of snow underfoot or the swish-thunk of ski cadence and... nothing but sweet, sweet silence.

The silence and smells of snow remind me of my childhood.

I got the dog and took her snow shoeing this evening. While I was running around with her I had a vivid flash-back to my days skiing on the potato field with Robin and Sarah and the Shiffler twins. We'd ski our asses off until the lighted loop was illuminated and our lungs felt raw and tasted of iron -- and then we'd get to the darkened potato field, wide open and filled with that snow-silence. We'd toss ourselves backward into the softness of the snow and prop our skis in the bank so that our feet were resting up in the air and catch our breath and just... be there, looking at the night sky.

There is nothing I have ever seen that comes close to a clear night in Alaska. The air so clean and sweet that it tastes almost of vanilla; stars sharp against the rich prussian-blue velvet of the sky; the aurora borealis slithering and pouring and dancing across the sky. Nothing even comes close.

In other news: I have a terrible cold. Its probably the flu. Let's not think about it. All I know is that I have be coughing and hacking and blowing my nose raw and I haven't been out *moving* for two days and I just couldn't take it any more! Not one more second!! So I put on my red red union suit and bundled up real good and tromped through the snow drifts in and around the park by my house for an hour with the dog. I coughed a lot, but I feel lots less antsy! This is good. I need to read a bunch of articles and I can't seem to concentrate or sit still for it when I am all cooped up.

I want to ski this weekend. Ski and dance and laugh. And I can!

For the record

Edited to add: *ahem* Welcome to the morbid inner ponderings of my brain:

I got the paperwork for my upcoming surgery this weekend. It's not a big deal, (the surgery). Small benign growth thingy that they'll take out and then it will be gone. Its kinda freaking me out anyway. Eeeee. The paperwork that arrived had lots of advance care directive papers... which got me thinking:

In case the surgery goes tits up (and for the record):

I want to be cremated.

No casket, no stones, just my ashes floating on the wind. I always thought I'd choose the cerque above Landmark Gap Lake since it's the loveliest place in my memory -- but only my Dad knows how to get there and it would involve first a long plane ride, then long car ride, then a canoe trip and then a long hike... plus, only my Dad knows how to get there and we don't talk, so yeah. Chena Hot Springs under the Northern lights was a lovely alternative and only involves a long plane ride and a moderate car ride... plus, bonus, there's a lovely overnight hike from Angel Rocks to Chena Hot Springs that has luscious blueberry fields in the fall. But, I recently heard a friend's tale of scattering ashes in a remote location and it sounded real... well, inconvenient. I'd hate to inconvenience anyone. I'd be satisfied with being planted under a lilac bush. I just want to be outside, really. My only real request would be no viewings, please. The idea of people looking at me all dead and stuff give me the wiggins! As my grandmother once said: There's just no way they'd do my hair right!

In other news, I went for my very first snow shoe trek today... and, ok, it was raining and the snow covering kinda pitiful, but it was outside and involved snow shoes, good conversation, and fresh air... and play time with Ms. Fancy Pants! Plus, afterward we watched Tipping The Velvet, which is always a good time. I heart BBC's lesbian period dramas, oh yes I do!